Tomorrow is my last day of rest. I'm starting to get the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. Shoulda slept more during daytime. Coulda gone to the gym more often. Woulda gone out with mom if she wasn't so busy.
13 days can go by so fast.
Tomorrow, I'm going to get my medical check up. The hassles of a new employer. I've just been through getting an NBI clearance, which was such a tedious experience. Honestly there ought to be a public website where you just type the person's name and the criminal records come up.
I haven't been writing much since I got married. The food blog hasn't been updated since February I think. Is it because I no longer need somebody else to talk to? Suddenly writing became pointless. Who's hearing me anyway? It didn't exactly help me a lot when I poured out my thoughts in a journal. Clear my mind it did not. Just left me with more questions than when I started. So now I don't think too much. But you know what, I haven't felt like myself since then. I've been afloat. Sometimes it's like I'm outside myself seeing me. It's weird.
One time I was driving this song came on. It was a song that a guy I was once close to dedicated to me. My heart gave a painful clench, and just like that I was 20 years old, driving the CR-V on my way home from the university. Songs are so powerful that they can transport us not only mentally but almost physically to a certain moment. What I thought exactly in that moment was it's been a long time since my senses were moved that much. Was it practicality that desensitized me? Having increased responsibilities that are banal? It's not that I haven't had time to get in touch with deep thoughts and emotions. I think I don't want to. Because... because if I do... I wouldn't recognize who's in there. Me or my husband?
