Near the end

The year is almost over and finally we have our invitations printed and ready to go (we only need to print the guests' names on the envelopes). We've done so much and yet it's the tiny tiny details (as tiny as the shape of the ring bearer's pillow!) that's bugging us. Oh well, we leave everything up to fate and wait until next year when work resumes for most people.

Looking back on the new things that happened to me this year, I'm amazed to find small accomplishments among the lot of chaotic (and irresponsible) events, like:

1. New friends
2. New travels
3. New job - finally in the design field!
4. New attitude, better perspective of the future
5. New realizations: self acceptance and sensitivity toward people around me. I learned that love is an effort; people won't be aware of your love unless you show it often.
6. New skills
7. New problems - weirder, weightier ones you thought only happens in the movies. Honestly. Every year, there's a part where I ask myself how I ever ended up in a situation. I once wrote that people wait for the ride of their lives, but this is your life! I either seek the thrill of making problems or they find me effortlessly. Probably the former.

8. And... do I even need to mention this one? A new door that opened for me that meant closing all the rest. A big, life changing decision that lead to a multitude of small ones that will never end, but will be more calming than singlehood choices will ever be (to date or pass? To break up or stick it through? Work or study? Leave the country or stay???!).

Of all the things I am thankful for for the year that will soon be over, I am most thankful for believing in love.

During one of the most do or die moments of our relationship, I remember assuring B, "Everything will be all right. This problem is all about love, and it will also get solved because of love. Everyone will end up understanding each other. We'll be okay in the end, I promise."

I said it with conviction, but I wish I can say that I myself believed it. However it came true. I held on, and with the help of prayers, love did solve everything. So, I believe in love, as you should. I also believe that love and humility are two sides of a coin. I was humbled more than ever this year.

At the start of the 2010, B and I wrote goals at the back of our office planners and sealed them. The idea is to open the page at the end of the year to find out if we were able to meet any of them. I can't wait to find out what his was, and to revisit the list I made... It seems like my idea of what matters at the start of the year is very immature given all that has passed since then!

Physically and mentally pooped

So of course the past few days have been big diet plan fails. I'm giving myself some leeway since it's Christmas, and I'd rather spend it socializing than at home, with every fiber of my body aching from self restraint at attacking holiday goodies.

Despite the holiday aftermath, my mind is inexplicably on beach mode for our pre-honeymoon escape right after the wedding. My physical state somehow couldn't stop me from bikini shopping, which only lead to self-loathing as expected. Thanks to this impulse however, I scored a bargain at Debenham's with a cute bikini set for only a little over P1,000! They started a 20% off sale on all items just today, so my size is luckily aplenty.

Aside from resort wear shopping, B and I selected our bridal registry items today. After approximately three hours in the home section of Rustan's, I asked B if he enjoyed. He replied n the affirmative and threw the question back to me. I said it's tiring, because it's overwhelming to think we'd be using all that kitchenware!!! My idea of "home" shopping is plush beddings, laundry hampers, dinnerware sets, pretty picture frames, matching terry cloth bathrobes, candles and potpourri. It never occurred to me that I need knives, ironing board, rice cooker, and let's not forget, a weighing scale. In my mind those came instantly with our house, like light or toilet fixtures.

I'm a little excited to start our life, but exhausted of the preparations before then. In the coming weeks, I'll just be at the mall if you need me.

Christmas with the girls

Ok, last night was a slip. But it was Christmas party with the girls! Surely that's excuse enough! How can I not eat the wonderful shepherd's pie made by our hostess Niq, the perfect spicy bacon pasta from the kitchen of Teddi and the rich rich to die for chocolate teddykins (molten chocolate) also by our resident Giada de Laurentiis??

Toasted wine and champagne in celebration of... life? Love? Friendship. Family. Thankfulness for all the blessings (and brokenness) this year.

It was our first "grown-up" dinner, and it was great. It's great to realize we've grown up but also grown together. I can see it as becoming a tradition over the years, provided nobody moves abroad. But as if fate is giving a foreshadowing, our theme was winter, so everybody was dressed like Christmas in New York.

Here's to learning, enduring and hoping. Here's to being mid-twenties and being young and fresh. Here's to not being so smart sometimes, but definitely being strong all the time. Here's to the unknown future that awaits! =)

Random update

Crazy weekend. Dyed my hair, not for the wedding but because... well maybe with the change of hair color will come a change in outlook, a change in attitude. Besides I'm bored with having ordinary hair.

Spent the weekend swimming in Laguna. It was our office Christmas party last Saturday and while I was there, my parents checked in a different resort where they'd be staying overnight.

After our office party I went to join my parents. I hadn't spent time with them like that in a while. They seemed to like the resort I chose for them, which is great. But I can't help thinking... is it going to be our last trip with me as their unmarried daughter? When I showed mom a particularly nice photo from the digicam, she said, "This is going to be [part of] my memory."

I hope we can make more happy memories, just the three of us...

By the way, I really really have to get in shape. I've been procrastinating the diet and exercise for the longest time. When I heard about what happened to one of my best friends, who couldn't fit into a sponsor's gown a week before the wedding and had to crash diet for three days because she couldn't sit down in the dress, I had a vision of the same thing happening to me with my wedding gown. Aaack! My friend managed to squeeze into the dress but she couldn't breathe in it! Good thing she didn't die.

So tomorrow will be my second time to visit the gym this month. It will also be the first day I'll be eliminating junk (this sounds familiar) from my diet. No more chips and candy. Swear. Really, I swear. This blog will be my monitor.

Lezdodiz.

Really really dangerous thoughts

Do all engaged couples fight this much? If so many things are going wrong during the preparation about and beyond the wedding, is it a signal that's the whole thing is wrong?

You know what I miss? I miss not being in a relationship. I miss getting invited to dinner, and actually wondering if it's worth my time. I miss getting picked up by a strange car, and introducing a stranger to my friends.

I miss the unpredictability of my days, when I can be going out with this person this month and someone else the next.

I guess what I really miss is being uncommitted. There's all this pressure and expectations in a relationship. Expectations only set you up for disappointment, and after the 100th time you think you've learned your lesson, but you can't help it.

I'm being really negative right now. I'm seriously considering getting out of this thing while I still can. Why do I want to be hitched this early? Why would anyone want to get hitched at all?

Nobody's perfect, I know. But what if some days all you can see about each other are their flaws, and how you don't have to deal with those flaws? You don't have to accept, settle, whatever.

And so what if he thinks the same way about you. Yeah of course you're flawed too. Hello, being barely mid twenties allows you to have flaws, to be much more underdeveloped. But at least you're still malleable. And anyway what matters is you right? This is your life you're surrendering.

What if you change your mind?

What if I don't want to deal with all this anymore?

Feeling good with small accomplishments

I know there's a lot left to be done, but it feels good to tick things off my list one by one.

Finally replaced our coordinator. We thought it would be impossible to get a reputable Chinese coordinator this late, so we couldn't fire our previous one. Good thing the referral I got from relatives turned out to be decent. I like her, but I hope it stays that way until next year if not better.

Today, B and I are scheduled to check the proof of our invitation. I'll finally see it on actual paper! My mom thinks I shouldn't have stressed myself out with designing some elements of the wedding. But I already had to concede with everyone else on the major decisions like the church and reception venue, the caterer, and heck even the gown, that the only way I can own the event is by contributing something that's essentially my creation.

B and I are almost done picking out the music. It's one of my favorite chores about this whole thing. I think I started planning my wedding with the music instead of the venue. The only problem now is our first dance! We started watching instructional videos on the Web on How to Slow Dance, but I don't think it'll do the trick for left-feet people like us! It was hilarious how B kept stepping on my imaginary gown and we kept tripping over each other's feet or stumbling from side to side. Goodness, that spectacle is worth watching out for for sure.

Not all roses and rainbows

Just came home from dinner at Izumi Sake Bar with B. It was our first sake together, and I want moooore!

I think I felt all possible emotions for a human being in just one day. Good thing I'm getting married or I'd think I'm losing my marbles.

I learned something important today. Well, relearned, actually. Somehow, I'd forgotten that B is much older than I am. I'm thinking about the fun of being married, and he's thinking about how to make that fun happen with finances. I have to agree that I can be naive without realizing it... or maybe I do but I'm just masking my doubts with positive thoughts.

Instead of getting annoyed at him for being less enthusiastic at sharing my rosy picture of the future, I should've realized that he was troubled. I never thought of stepping into his shoes and when I tried to, I suddenly understood the weight of the load and anxiety he's carrying. I got upset that he's so low key nowadays, and I took that to be a sign of being less in love. But somebody's got to think about the practical things, like how the hell we're going to live. I want to apologize for being shallow... I was too wrapped up in my own issues and fears to recognize it still as being in love... the grown-up kind.

The man and the music

I just got to say, the right man always has the right music at the right time. The right man has to have some appreciation for music, unless you're both really weird.

But he's not just any music lover. This guy knows words can't express what he wants to say, and lets music do the talking. He doesn't even know what it is precisely that he wants to say, but his heart is moved to this music. He plays the music only hoping that, if there is indeed a connection between you, your heart is tugged too.

When you meet this person, who thoughtfully puts on a song for you thinking that you and only you can really hear it, you've met the one.

Well, that's what leading men in movies are like, right?

My Love Story

You think your love life's going to unfold like how it does in the movies. When you're single and looking, the possibilities are endless. After a good romantic comedy, you sit back and sigh and get all dreamy and hopeful about tomorrow. But when you're in a relationship, you find yourself asking, What happened?

More often than not, our love lives happen without us realizing it. And I think that sucks. We want our love story to be extra ordinary. We want to be swept off our feet. However in real life, anybody with a good head on his/her shoulders will prevent that from happening-- replacing giddy, flattering feelings with paranoid thoughts or nonchalance.

In the end is it better to be stupid and let yourself get hurt 10x than be cautious and glide from one moment to another cool as a cat, so if things turn out unexpectedly you'll easily get out unscathed? When do you let it all out? When it's too late? You've already lost the person, or are already getting married, and you didn't even let yourself just drink in the magic of finding love in your life. You know, get carried away. Live and breathe the drama of it!

I don't really know why I'm sending this out to cyberspace (well I did just watch Bridget Jones' Diary again...) but I just want to say glad as I am to have a love story to speak of, I wish I'd been a more ready heroine at the time so I would have recognized that what was happening was already The Love Story of My Life. What's more, it's disturbing to think if I'd ever been an ideal leading lady... you know the warm, funny girl who gets the guy with her charm and pure heart... And how weird is it that your hero once is just an ordinary guy to you now... as familiar as a favorite shirt you've owned forever and can never get tired of? I wonder, will we ever be exciting to each other again, like those first few encounters in love stories?

Do I really know you at all?

Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a wall

You like to think you're always right

Accusing me of starting every fight

You're Mr. So Impeccable

Reasoning with you's impossible

You think you've got the insights

I may as well be black and white

But after all, do you have a clue?

After all, I've got layers just like you.

Don't love only parts of me

I wouldn't know who to be

I should already know every corner of your heart

But the mean things we say tear us apart

Do I really know you at all

Darkness depress us tall as a wall

Inside a bride's head

Now I know why it takes a year to plan a wedding. It's not because of the things to do; it takes a year for all the emotions to go through you.

I've been puzzled by this great sadness underlying the days before my wedding. I'm supposed to be blooming and hyper with excitement right? One friend said I seem to be very sad lately. If it were him getting married, and there was any trace of doubt or sadness about it, he'd be thinking twice on the matter.

He was speaking from a guy's point of view. If there indeed was any sadness on the part of the bridegroom-to-be, I'm sure there's a strong reason to evaluate the decision. Men go through life's transitions with sharpness and precision.

But I am a woman. So many emotions are overwhelming me-- relationship with my parents, with my groom to be, my feelings about my identity and future self, even my feelings towards my friends.

I have this inexplicable clinginess to my family, my home, my childhood belongings, of late. And when I think of all the things I'll be leaving behind, I feel anger that it should have to be this way, that somebody is taking me away from all the things I've been for 24 years. When I think about who I'm going to be next year, I'm angry that I have to shed my single-girl identity and assume a role that I don't even know. I'm scared that this role is going to be permanent, and I can't switch easily as I like to before. I'm angry and panicked at so much loss...

The night before my engagement, I feel like grieving. It seemed to me that it was the end of the world, and I should be given license to do something crazy on last time. But I didn't, because I was afraid of messing up the next day. I wanted to grieve losing my independence, solitude, and self-absorption. I wanted to see the wildest me that night, before I'm confined in an institution that doesn't have room for that psyche.

You might think maybe I'm not with the right person. The fact that I didn't do anything stupid that might sabotage the engagement means it was important to me, and therefore I had no doubts about my future husband. But since I almost lost my engagement ring last September, I rarely wear my ring. I don't like seeing it, not only out of trauma that I might lose it again, but because it signifies the new persona that I'm not-- I never wear rings, so this piece of jewelry feels strange and heavy on my finger. When it catches the light and sparkles, I admire it for representing me... like he sees me like this diamond... "simple and beautiful" in his own words. It also represents the purity of an engaged couple's love, rarely acknowledged in the day to day grind, but always there at the core. At the same time, it represents ownership. When I'm wearing it, I don't know who I am. I feel much older, and I don't know how to act. Even though I cherish the promise it symbolizes, not wearing it is my way of keeping my identity for as long as I could, before I make the transition into a bride.

It is also this time that I want to surround myself with my friends at all times. I don't like talking about my wedding, rather I cherish the usual girl chatter. Although sometimes I get the urge to open up and ask for emotional support, I don't know where to start, or how to articulate my confusion, or loneliness, without sounding like I'm getting cold feet or there's a problem between B and myself. What also stops me is I know my closest friends won't be able to relate, because marriage is so far from their minds. I'm looking forward to my bachelorette party, but I'm hoping of a spiritual experience to help me carry this load as the clock ticks on towards the wedding day, rather than a rowdy, lingerie party.

B, if you're reading this, don't worry, you're not supposed to do anything, and anything you're supposed to be doing, you're doing magnificently... especially the after wedding trip. :p

I'm happy to report that our engagement ceremony took place without incident, and even though I got the jitters the night before, I was calm and collected on the day itself.

I was happy to see so many family members gathered in one place. I thanked them sincerely for coming, and was genuinely grateful for the congratulations and well wishes.

My family and his family made it all happen, and we both have nothing but gratitude and love in our hearts for them. A traditional engagement ceremony is considered the second most important event in every Chinese girl's life, the first being the wedding. I have mixed feelings about it. Partly, it's a sexist tradition, where the girl is treated like a piece of property pawned with material things.

On the other hand, it's the only way the current generation of Chinese kids can take relationships seriously, with the media eroding values and, more sadly I think, degenerating capability for wisdom.

After getting properly engaged, we're swamped with things to do! I was hoping to spend my remaining single days with my parents, but I don't think I'll be able to the way I imagined. :(

But busy as we are, it's safe to say that we're both enjoying the process even without a coordinator. I'm fortunate to have a fiance who does his part in all this, and more.

Negative views about marriage

OK. Spoken to two people on YM in a span of a few hours and I'm slightly freaked out about the whole wedding thing.

Both of them paint a rather dismal picture of married life. I know mostly what they're talking about, meaning I'd been warned many times before. I know that after getting married, there will be fights, and like it or not a lot of discoveries will be made about each other that might not be helpful to the relationship. I know that the sweetness fades a little and what you used to call celebrations will become obligations.

I know all this but I cannot accept them to be universally true.

Call me delusional but I prefer optimistic.

I'm not perfect and neither is he. Sure we'll argue but as long as we're self-aware, nothing will have to be so terrible. For instance, I can be an asshole sometimes, and right now he makes the effort to stop fighting but that'll change for sure. When we fight in the future, I only have to remember to be less of an asshole, and maybe it won't make any of us skip dinner or sleep on the couch. But when he's really really childishly stubborn, I hope he'll realize it before I throw the remote control at him.

In my Theology class in college, I learned something basic about marriage that I don't need any counselor or other condescending people to tell me: marriage is composed of only three ingredients: trust, respect and love. Respect has to come at the top, because let's face it, we will make mistakes that might involve losing our partner's trust, but will always be capable of forgiving as long as we're willing if the other two ingredients are there.

There's a limit to the amount of trust broken though, and how. You know that part in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps where Winnie Gekko broke up with Jake Moore because he didn't make her feel safe anymore? You can totally understand what was up with that. If you have to watch your own back--or worse, watch your back against your own spouse... how do you fix that???

I know the reality of marriage. I'm surrounded by old couples who demonstrate it well, unfortunately in my own family. So maybe I'm not only optimistic, but also determined. However that doesn't take away the fact that I am scared, and freaking out, and a little bit sorry. On top of that however, however, I have faith that this is happening because it's time for it to happen, and God is with us as we take the big step on the way to do His will.

Nursing the sting

Started the day well until I got into an argument with B.

It's our engagement on Saturday which I know is supposed to be an important day in our lives... I mean just thinking about it sends tingles on my toes and fingertips. But we're going through the last few days before the event like it's nothing... We both feel weird about it... it's like sealing the deal, and instead of being exciting it's scary.

B says it's because we have so much stuff to do that we can't properly grasp everything. I think that shouldn't be an excuse... we should be absorbing, appreciating every moment of this process. It feels like he just wants to get it over with, like he has a checklist which completing is the only thing he cares about. And then when it's done, we go back to our usual routine and put it all behind us.

That's what it sounds like when I asked him what will happen after our wedding. He said, simply, that we go home and go back to work.

I'm sorry if I was disappointed but pardon me for thinking there should be much ado about being newly weds at least for a couple of days... because it's definitely something.

I don't know what precisely it is that I want to happen. I'm not being romantic nor making an excuse to get out of work; I too have responsibilities with my job. But I felt insulted that he thinks taking a few days' break being with his new wife is a waste of time that could be spent making money. It's even worse that he suggested I can stay home for a few days, but he has to go to work. Breadwinner thing.

Whatever.

Beyond the big day, planning the aftermath

Whew! Did it! Changed my relationship status on FB (I hope B is happy now).

Today I have a lot of things on my mind, mainly my soon-to-be new home. When I left the house this morning, my bed was unmade and my dirty clothes were in the corner by the bathroom on the floor. I had breakfast by myself as the folks were still asleep. I was about to finish when my mom came down and sat with me before I had to leave for work.

To be fair, when I had a condo, I kept it spic and span. I'd clean the bathroom after taking a shower, sweep and sometimes even mop the floor after breakfast, washed my dishes, and returned all my things where they belonged. That's what not having a maid does to you.

Last Saturday, we selected the wallpaper for our soon-to-be bedroom. B wants to leave the decorating to me, even though he knows I'm no Martha Stewart-- my ideal house is an abandoned warehouse with all the furniture on wheels. But he is very much part of the design process because I consult him on my choices. Having an aesthetic eye is one of the things that make us click, and that makes him a very good working partner.

Want to see some ideas? Here you go...
I know that brown is a very dull, unimaginative color, but we have to work with the furniture we are inheriting. I'll just find a way to make it bright and airy. Like this:


A long time ago, I posted my dream home which is the beach house in the movie Something's Gotta Give. I'm still inspired by the bedroom of that house.

See the candles?

I wouldn't mind growing old looking like Dianne Keaton. Come to think of it, B sort of resembles Jack Nicholson. Short, stocky build. And arrogant. Haha.

Social network

Seems like everybody is either getting married or getting engaged. This means I'm really at that age. I sometimes wonder if I should be open to public announcements more. Nobody knew I got engaged until a few months later.

The reason I'm bringing this up is I have a friend from college who just got engaged today. He's a wedding photographer now engaged to his stylist girlfriend/collaborator. Being in that business, when they announced their engagement on Facebook, it's natural that they would get a flood of positive reactions, mostly from past client couples and other wedding industry colleagues.

If B and I made an announcement like that, I wonder what reactions I would get. Social networks can be intrusive this way. Supposedly, we have a choice on the information we want to share to some 600 or 800 friends. But when something important happens in our lives that involves another person, it seems that choice is taken away from us.

Social networking websites have made relationship announcements tricky. You can't even do it without establishing who goes first. This is something B and I don't see eye to eye on.

I admit that I'm not a very good social networking website user. In fact, with my personality of preferring to observe and keeping personal affairs personal, I shouldn't even be on Facebook. B likes to make things loud and clear for everyone. He is a fan of labels while I like ambiguity. But ironically, I like to share raw personal photos while he's the careful one to show pre-selected, composed image representations of his life.

B and I agree at least on what's a use and what's an abuse of websites like Facebook. A lot of people overshare on these social networking sites, which is why I've hidden more than a few people from my news feed. There's a difference between sharing (about an awesome alien-detecting watch purchase) and rambling nonsense (the shape of your hair when you woke up this morning). I see the point though on why people think it's necessary to make announcements on Facebook. When I see expressions of pleasure, approval, even glee over someone's happy occasion (as getting engaged, having a baby, parent getting cured, etc.), it indeed makes the event even more special.

Maybe that's it. Maybe we're all just trying to get noticed to be special. I like to keep my head down, but maybe it's not the case for B. Maybe B and I deserve the attention, just this time...

Hangover, the good kind

B wrote an entry on his blog about our engagement shoot. It's nice to read such thoughts I wouldn't have known otherwise...

Obviously, we both still have a hangover from the shoot. You can see a sneak preview of our beautiful location shoot in his blog. I have a province I often go home to so I'm very used to nature. He doesn't have one so that makes it extra special for him I guess. Oh plus there's a running river within the vicinity of that house. An actual river with a waterfall, and an entire rainforest beyond.

I'm happy to know that B enjoyed the shoot, maybe even more than I did. Most guys get awkward to have their pictures taken, especially doing romantic things. B was game the whole time, so I guess he thought our shots were cool. :)

No, this isn't the place. This was where we had a quiet Valentine's day breakfast this year, and it's just one of the reasons why our shoot's location is perfect.

B and I love secret places that usually involves long drives, mountains and lush greens and/or bodies of water. Every couple should do this once in a while. The calming beauty of nature makes the road ahead seem clear and obvious. By the time we need to home, we are inspired, refreshed and strengthened.

When you can't help being baduy

Just got home from my engagement shoot. Today was just amazing. But I can't believe it's over.

All my life I've snickered and jeered at the corny engagement pictures being shown in slideshow presentation during wedding programs. I always told myself mine will be better. Some time in the unforeseeable future, I'll have to do it, and it will be fabulous cos it will be cool.

I was wrong. Mine is just like all the others': equally baduy, nauseatingly cheesy, cringe-worthily cliche.

Click, click!

Look into the horizon...

Hold hands...

Hug her...

Give him a kiss...

Pretend I'm not here...

Click, click!

All poses of couples are the same. It's not because photographers are not original, or the couples are unimaginative. It's because engagement poses are not poses; they're expressions. And what are expressions but universal? I couldn't escape it. But I'm hoping that somehow, the resulting photographs would turn out looking cool. Despite the oozing cheesiness.

I still can't believe it's over. It feels like yesterday when I got the makeup artist, booked the photographer, scouted for a special location that would represent our type of relationship, and started planning the layouts with the outfits.

All my life I've wondered at this mysterious engagement shoot... How can a couple act naturally in front of a professional photographer? How can we make even our corniest moments somehow not uncool? What if I look fat??

The day it rolled around I was in a frenzy. I was nerve-wrecked, wondering how things will go. My biggest worry was ending up with awkward and unflattering photos because of not getting along with the photographer.

I worried so much that before I knew it, it was a wrap. That's it! That once in a lifetime engagement shoot, out of the window. The next thing to prepare for is the wedding day.

Like every important moment in our lives, it'll pass by quickly and I'm sure I'll have the same feeling I'm feeling now. Except it'll be more depressing.

I'll have to savor every second, every minute of that day-- that one day the limelight is mine, and I can shine all I want. The next day nobody will give a rat's ass anymore. I'm just another wife, who will soon be just another mother. In short, I'll be just another woman in the statistics.

So I'll smile for the camera, sure. I'll smile while my eyes are sparkling. May I remember every detail, every emotion I felt today, to give me still reasons to smile when the sparkle has faded.

An acquaintance recently lost her mother to the big C. It was a long suffering illness that was only waiting to end. Everyday I thank the Lord for the blessing of health, especially to my parents. I remember one time I was surprised to feel loose skin on my mother's arm. On another occasion, my dad, who takes good care of his body through strength training and exercise, passed in front of me and I noticed the skin on his forearms had become wrinkled. I thought, When did all of that happen?

For as long as I can remember, I always prayed for their health and happiness. But no matter what we do, time creeps up on us like a thief in the night. On finding out about my acquaintance's loss, only one thought struck me: we think we can afford to fight with loved ones, convinced that we can never forgive. Actually we don't have as much time as never, and one day life may come to surprise us. Wouldn't it be better to know we will have no regrets, and that we cheated time by making each day so fulfilling it feels like 27 hours instead of 24?

Being at peace despite turmoil

Ever since I started reading about Buddhism, I feel lighter and more at peace. It all came about fortuitously, at a time when I need a middle ground perspective of right and wrong amidst extreme teachings like the church and skewed sources like unsolicited advice and the media.

It was a holiday and my friends and I climbed up Tagaytay for some R&R. We had finished lunch and were on the hunt for a good place to have coffee. Everyone had Bag of Beans in mind, but the main branch was full and didn't have parking space (as expected). Somehow through road signs, we were informed that Bag of Beans has a second branch in a hotel further off.

We trooped to the newly constructed hotel that was farther than the usual establishments I'd seen there. The extra distance was very much worth it. The place sat on the edge of the lake overlooking Taal volcano. We had front row view of it inside Bag of Beans (well almost, as there was a garden before the edge of the cliff). The hotel looked nice and new, but the best part was the quiet and solitude because there were only a few guests. For a time Bag of Beans was all ours.

Before we went in the coffee shop, we noticed piles of books outside. A sign said "Get one, it's free". I didn't pay attention to it but B got one copy. It turned out to be a book on Buddhism, and we learned that the owner of the hotel is a Buddhist who also owns a publishing house.

The book didn't seem interesting, but one day I needed a reading material in the bathroom (sheepish grin). The big text and easy English made it nice to read, and before long I was hooked.

Because of Buddhism, I look at relationships with others differently, and consequently, watch my actions more carefully. We do harm to others because of our ignorance that everyone is connected. We do not realize the effect of our actions on others and vice versa. This ignorance is the root of arrogance and pride.

Buddhist teachings remind me not to get too attached or give undue attention on things. Whatever pleases is temporary; everything we have we eventually lose. Because nothing really belongs to us and we never remain the same, we are not different from poor people who have nothing. In fact we are one in that we grow old, get weak and die.

We use family, education and experience to help us become wise so that we may share our wisdom to others. But even those who did not have education and wealth can be enlightened and can have more things to teach us. On this note, I think this is the point why people shouldn't be cooped up in the shelter of their own home/family. The more grit and grime there is in the world, the more chances we have to experience poverty, betrayal, loneliness, embarrassment and failure. These cause suffering that make us realize our weaknesses in lieu of self pride/arrogance. If we never experience these things, our understanding of the world would be theoretical as we only rely on hearsay, the media, and our personal historicity. This causes us to have a hard time giving advice to others because of misunderstandings or harsh judgments.

Because everyone is interconnected, we must strive for harmony. We must always keep open, reminding ourselves that people also change. Someone might have been deceitful before, but it's never too late to turn into an honest man. Someone might have been foolish before, but one day she will mature. No matter who made a mistake, we mustn't close doors. The world is designed to regenerate, not disintegrate. We rebuild relationships by having faith... Faith that the other approaches with a fully open heart, faith that things could be made better together, faith that love is stronger than obstacles.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha

I haven't finished the book, but I look forward to reading several pages a week as a spiritual refuge. I wonder how long it would take before the teachings manifest in my relationships... especially one relationship I desperately want to salvage...

Super mini but adventurous reunion

An office mate commented that B looks like Ronald Singson. I couldn't find the resemblance but jested that it would be okay as long as he is also as rich.

When I related the story to B, he said, "I'd rather have less money and have earned it honestly."

Sometimes he makes me so proud.

* * *

I met up with high school friends last weekend. I learned many things happening in their lives that I had no clue about. Time is moving fast; only yesterday we were carefree and had nothing to worry about but studies and our classmates' affairs. Today some are supporting their families, some have children already, and some are starting up their own business.

It felt good to see those girls again who I can say are my genuine friends... after all we've known each other since high school. B always says I should hang out with them more often because they seem to be "good people". I promise that I'll keep closer contact with them; I can definitely pick up a thing or two from these geniuses, like I used to in high school!

I'm glad they enjoyed our Makati outing which comprised of someone's first time in a weekend market as well as first time to have Gelatissimo! Next time maybe we'll have dinner together for the first time.

You

You make me happy yet also cause me grief.

You lift me up yet also let me down.

You make me optimistic but also give me doubt.

You help me celebrate youth but also make me old.

I was doing fine before you came along. I wasn't living then, but I was fine.

You taught me how to live, but sometimes I want to die.

Is it better to die ten times a day than live without living?

To a friend

I saw a picture today that made my heart skip a beat.

It also made me miss a certain person: a friend whose memory I will always cherish.

Although we never got to spend enough time together, I feel like I know his heart.

Wherever he is, I wish him well. I hope he knows how great a loss it was discovering he had left the country.

To you, we shall meet again at who knows which part of the globe. Until then, let us keep reading and keep our book lists growing, so that when time comes we would have something to keep us talking for hours.

The last laugh is mine

When I was a freshman college, I fell "inlovike" with a soccer player. I had no idea he played with more than soccer balls, and that his "field" extends beyond the green patch of land.

I wasted half of that school year with the bastard, and as a result, taught myself to get tough the rest of my college life in case I encounter his likes again. Thinking that all cute guys are like him, I avoided them and stuck with the good, sensitive ones. In other words, he made me miss on a lot of good stuff.

Well, six years later (with some periods in between), he returns in the hopes of rekindling the romance. He asks me out practically every night. Today I turned him down for the nth time and we had this FTW convo:

A: Want to do something later?
Me: Sorry, I can't.
A: Kulit ba? Hehe.
Me: Haha.
A: Can I ask you one thing? Kung ok lang?
Me: Fire away.
A: Would you go out on a date with me?
Me: No, sorry.
A: Bakit naman? Single ka, single ako. Haha.

GANON????

Huh. :p

Looking for a movie date

I want to watch INCEPTION!!!!!!

Everybody's posting about it on Facebook! I missed Toy Story 3 already I can't miss this one! Rawrr... One of the downsides of being single is I don't have anyone to watch movies with anymore. My friends have boyfriends or siblings, meanwhile I don't go to the movies with guys if they are not a.) my boyfriend b.) gay or c.) platonic towards me.

>:(

Max's Chicken All You Can!

I wanted to post about this last night but I was so tired and sleepy by the time I got home. Yesterday I finally availed of Max' Chicken All You Can Promo! I had given up on it but last night my plans got cancelled and so I was able to go with my mom.

Based on the pictures of friends on Facebook, my impression was that it was nothing special. I didn't expect HOW FUN it was going to be!!! It's not just eating chicken at Max's; it's an event.

When you go to Max's you wait in line for a table. Everyone waiting with you and all those lucky enough to be already seated and eating came from all walks of life, and you feel as you lock eyes with them that you are all sharing something in that place. And everyone looks happy, everyone is nice, and the atmosphere is almost like a party.

At least that was how Max's Restaurant Caloocan branch was like. My experience was made better by the excellent service of the staff. I can say with confidence that I have never been to any restaurant where I felt more important, more appreciated as a customer, and happier to give a tip than that branch. The hectic restaurant operated smoothly because of the staff's efficiency and agility. You'd expect them to be grumpy and hardly paying you attention in exchange for this, but they were all attentive, polite and smiling. I honestly felt like a VIP. My appreciation for the staff reached its full height when I went into the restroom at the same time with a waitress. She came through the door one second ahead of me, and when she saw me, she insisted that I use the only free cubicle, with a smile. Up to the time we were leaving, everyone kept thanking us for coming, so that I wanted to just stay if that would really make them happy.

I only had three quarters, by the way: two breast parts and one thigh part. My mom beat me by eating one whole chicken (4). We washed the oiliness down with bottomless Pepsi Max (for only P39!!!!!). I saw some people drinking beer, making the chicken their pulutan. The worst part is they were all women. I know I'm being prudish but it's just improper to do that in a family restaurant where there are kids.

By the time I was on my third chicken, my mom was on her fourth. I was already sick of the chicken before I even started on my last. It was the thigh part, so it was the tastiest and also the oiliest. I thought it was a good thing I started with two breasts. I never had to ask for chicken because they kept serving us even though we're only halfway through what was on our plates. I savoured the crispy meat around the wings, because it was a rare occasion indeed.

My mom was also sick of the chicken by the time she finished. I didn't feel very well after that, but we were both happy. I'm quite sure Max's will experience a sales decline for several months after this promo, but it will be a legend for sure. I can't wait to see who will imitate this scheme, and if it will be as successful.

My mistake is not giving myself some time to feel remorse over the course of events of late. I turned my back hoping that everyone would trudge along and one day we’ll all find ourselves quite alright after all. If only I stopped for a moment to absorb how awful it all was, but more important, how awful I had been to not acknowledge it then. I didn’t really sympathize with anyone; I figured we were all adults and if I could move on, everyone should be able to as well. I’d been a heartless bitch until the end, to the point that I said many things I didn’t mean, and acted with such hostility just to drive people away. If there’s anything I’m sure of about myself, it’s that when I want people out of my life, I give it my best shot.

This time around, I really wanted to mean it, and so I tried my best. It doesn’t mean though that I like what I was doing, let alone that I like myself for it. I was accused of treating Brent with hostility and only being nice when the mood suits me. I wonder, did he ever consider that the moments of tenderness are my true feelings bursting out over the sheet of ice?

I was also accused of not returning the same commitment and devotion throughout our relationship. I have no excuses for that. I know so much about human emotions theoretically that I believe it has done me in. It’s better that I know nothing but one thing: what I actually feel, not from the assessment made by my brain, but by the beating of my heart, the hot flush on my cheeks, my trembling hands, or my sick stomach. As it were, my faculties cut those instincts to the quick, filing them for later review, that I can’t be sure the signals transpired at all, let alone how to translate them into action. It’s a self-preservation thing, as I always say.

There’s a song that goes: If ever you’re in my arms again, this time I’ll love you much better… If only I had known what I had like I do now, and if I knew how much I really cared, I would’ve shown him every minute and every second that I could. But at the time, it was a self-preservation thing. However everything is lost, and do let us not hold on to a glimmer of hope that shines brightly on a stormy night and vanishes in the harsh daylight.

Things are going in the direction they should now, meaning B has recovered and is apparently ready to date again. As I write this, he is sitting across the table (or beside, as I remember he is fond of doing) from a girl in a fancy restaurant. I wonder if they are having wine, and I wonder if they are having a good time. I wonder if she’s smart. I fear that she’s funny. They will probably go to a party later tonight. I know he will behave perfectly. I wonder if he’ll want to see her again.

As for me, there can be no one right now but a rebound. And I find that a waste of time. A broken person needs to be whole again on his own before exposing himself to someone, or else he is all the more vulnerable, all the more unsure of what he is looking for, and of what he really deserves.

Doing research

The more I look at other people's Singapore trip pictures, the less excited I am about going. Is there more than food, shopping and amusement parks in Singapore? Our itinerary looks tiring, not to mention redundant. Different malls but same stores. I was excited about the food trip, but as I've been to Orchard Road in mega a couple of times, the satisfaction has declined. Maybe Orchard Road isn't any good. Maybe I've had enough of Asian anything. Maybe I'm just poor and the helplessness of it is what's getting me down.

Maybe I've got too many things on my mind. I hate Tolstoy. He's playing with my head. I'd rather stay in bed finishing the book than be dragging my ass from one mall to another in some humid country.

But no no no... I have to be positive about this... it's a vacation... I should enjoy it. I will enjoy it.

On a low and on a high

The opening of Forever 21 here in Manila is exaj!!! People are actually lining up to get into the store! Considering it's 2700 sq. m., they still need to accept customers by batches and that's why there are hunky bouncers at the entrance. My mom and I went during lunch time and fortunately the line hadn't started yet. I wasn't interested in anything because I've gotten off shopping for now, plus I was annoyed that they brought in the shop here. I don't even want to think about H&M putting up shop here. So anyway I was just inspecting the items and observing the seemingly crazed customers, while my mom was really looking for something she could wear. We met some time later and she said, "I didn't find anything I could wear! Everything seems too young!" She was genuinely baffled. I said, "Ma, that's why it's called Forever 21!" Her eyes grew wide with understanding and we ended up laughing about it.

When I was in Australia, I was shocked to find out they didn't have Topshop and Zara. Everyone I met was envious when I said proudly that those stores were everywhere in Manila. After staying there a few months and getting a hold of the shopping scene, I realized they had stores standing up for the MIA retail giants, and they didn't only make up for them, they were way cooler. One of my favorites and the cheapest, Supre, only sells Australian made stuff. It's like a huge warehouse with the coolest sales people. Another, Glue, carries brands from up and coming Australian designers to foreign ones, mostly Europe and the staples from US.

My point is, we don't have to import all the brands, we can try to make ours, or make what's already existing stronger, more appealing to the trend-setters and fashionistas in our country. We can have our own distinct Manila style, like how you know you're in Tokyo or you know someone's French. Anyway sorry for being too serious and negative. Maybe I will change my mind when I find a great bargain in Fashion 21. :)

Anyhoo I need to start packing!!! So annoying that the weather forecast says some rain during my stay in Singlala. I packed mostly shorts and tanks because people are saying it's melting hot there! It will be annoying if the sky will be perpetually overcast; it will look bad in the pictures and my clothes wouldn't be appropriate. Ooh and I'd hate to walk around with damp feet!

I Can See Clearly Now - Johnny Nash

Today I am finally wide awake, literally and figuratively.

I once heard that every 'yes' and 'no' opens a new door. I am ready for that door, and I'm not looking back.

Though I have confirmed that some "friends" are otherwise, it only makes me sorry for them. I hope they can lead better lives with real value. I can only say this: be careful of people who call on you when you are in trouble. They are only looking for the particulars. Be careful of people who love to give advice. 'Pag nasabi na ang lahat ng masasabi, ang pinakamahalaga ay ang hindi nasabi. Chatty people seldom have anything wise (or sincere) to say.

Be careful also of people who try to convert you to their religion. Charles Caleb Colton, a 19th century English aphorist and social critic, was wise in saying "As no roads are so rough as those that have just been mended, so no sinners are so intolerant as those that have just turned saints."

I feel light and happy. I'm ready for what awaits me. :)

Could've been's, would've been's

To think that by this time B would have already proposed. We'd already be preparing the engagement ceremony, with the help of his mother of course. Our relatives would've been living each day in excitement, with nothing coming out of their mouths except fuss about the preparations. I would've given them the greatest gift a girl can: marrying into a decent family at the ripe age of twenty five (Chinese calendar).

In my spare time, back when I was with B, I would let my imagination run away with what it would be like to be married. But before I could get there, I had to imagine what it could be like as an engaged woman.

It seemed awful.

Having to break the news to all my friends, most of whom are older than I am. Instead of congratulations I imagine a resounding, "WHY?"

I would bow my head, not to display humility at being blessed as such but out of sadness. Yes, girls, I'm out of the game. I'll be fat and sporting a short haircut and you'll be seeing me only in polo shirts and khaki shorts. I won't be hanging out with you because you couldn't possibly relate to my new life, you with your night outs and mid-week movie dates. While you went out shopping for clothes and makeup, I'll be hovering the top floor of the mall to the furniture section or, if I'm lucky, electronics. While you take your time enjoying a cuppa before heading home, I'll be making a quick (or maybe not) stop to the supermarket. Who'd want to hang out with me?

Finally, my imagination would get to the married part, and it never failed to send a thrill--and fear--down my spine. It seemed so... grownup. What would it be like to find a man beside me in the mornings? To have a house all to ourselves? Would B change after the wedding? Would he get irritable? Less loving? Less thoughtful? Would he still tell me I'm pretty and give me that mesmerized look? Would he still offer to wash the dishes? Would we still have mid-week fancy dates? Would we still be amused about the simplest things, like the shape of the moon? Would he still find me interesting and beautiful, even when he's known every detail of my past and seen every inch of me?

What would it be like to be wife to man like him, I used to wonder. Would we have a good life? Would we fight all the time? Would there be mornings when he's too much to bear? Would he get better in time-- become stronger, calmer, more responsible? Or would we spin out of control of each other? Will I get better?

What would it be like to live together every day? Would we have plenty of things to say at the dinner table, or would we be glued to the TV, barely speaking? Would he like what I would serve him? Would we always eat out? Would we do groceries together and on a schedule? What would our refrigerator contain? Would he be annoyed that we won't ever have ice cream in the freezer? Could I convert him into a non-fat milk drinker? Would he be upset if I filled the pantry with healthy items? Would he understand if I can only cook in small amounts because I don't like left-overs? What would we do on weekends?

Of course, I don't have to worry about those things anymore. But just imagine... I already had a strategy for reorganizing his closet! Once when I was helping him change into a shirt and tie before an event, I looked into his closet, and I loved looking at the clothes all crisp and soap-smelling. I even love the tattered shirts he uses as pajamas. On that note, I swore I'd make him wear proper ones on our bed, even if I have to force him into them. I imagined us as a proper couple, complete with silk robes and fluffy slippers.

I had a lot of questions and I enjoyed imagining the answers, stretching my imagination to as naughty or as horrible as it would go. But funnily, I could never imagine just myself... what a wife I would make! I bet I'd be clumsy and clueless, breaking all sorts of social ethics and coupling rules. I bet I'd be selfish and throw tantrums all the time. Heaven knows how long until B gets tired of me.

I almost closed a chapter of my life just like that... and I got away by a hair. After all the disappointments and pain, I could only hope that the extended period doled out on us in singlehood had better be holding out something freaking awesome.

Ecstasy, the opposite of

This is a particularly bleak time for me right now. First, I am back to being single, which some people tell me is a good thing, but they’re not the ones being haunted by the ghost of dates past, are they? It’s physically demanding to get out of bed and throw myself into the shower. Lately, it’s getting easier, especially when I think about the children waiting for me at the art school. There’s nothing like nine screeching kids calling for your attention to take your mind off personal troubles.

Experts agree that being heartbroken is more manageable when busy. I don’t even have that going for me. I am jobless. I am not undermining the teaching profession I have now under my belt-- far from it. Without this part time duty, I will have zilch coming in my bank account this month, not to mention a lot more time to be depressed. The thing is, I don’t see this teaching stint as real work. I don’t even feel like working when I’m with my students. Being a teacher is like suddenly belonging to a huge family, where I get ten siblings and twenty nieces and nephews.

I’ve been job hunting lately. I realized that looking for a job is like cleaning the toilet. You know you have to do it one of these days, and before you can complain about it, you’re squatted in front of the toilet bowl scrubbing away. In the case of job hunting, you’re in the middle of the business district under the noonday sun, in your best career woman outfit, looking for a building or in the waiting room of an obscure company.

I don’t know about other people but I don’t like discussing my job interviews. It’s like a jinx; if I tell someone the name of the company, I will get rejected, which will be forever remembered by the people who knew about my application. Job hunting is traumatic, humiliating and exhausting. It makes me doubt myself. It makes my phone an enemy. Sometimes I leave it for long periods of time and come back to check if I’ve got new messages or missed calls. So far, nada. Aside from my first interview, none of the companies I’ve applied to have gotten back to me. I look at my resume now and put myself in the shoes those companies’ HR people. How do I come across? Lost, that’s how. Like I don’t know where I’m going or what I really want to do. Well, I want to be an artist now. That’s specialization. That’s the kind of focus I didn’t have as a fresh graduate, which was how I ended up in my first company.

What if I really fail at getting a respectable, full time job in the field and even industry I aspire to belong? It’s torture enough when friends ask me what I am doing now and I can only say, “I’m teaching art.” Granted, they seem impressed by that, until I say it’s only part time. They’ll want to know what I’m doing full time. I’m being a failure full time, that’s what I’m doing.

Maybe I’ll go study again if nobody hires me. I’ll tell my parents that I need further training and my knowledge is lacking. People always mistake me for a high school student anyway. By the time I graduate from another four-year course, who’s gonna be able to tell I’m 27?

Boy that thought was depressing. But I seriously don’t understand it. Am I missing something here, did I do something in between the age 22 and 23 that fucked up my chances of landing my dream job forever?

Ecclesiastes is convinced that "the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to the men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all. Man's fate does not depend on righteous or wicked conduct but is an inscrutable mystery that remains hidden in God."

Huh. That explains why CSB graduates who barely worked their asses off during college are CEOs of their family business and party animals at their leisure time, while I with my educational background am without a job as well as social life. If that is the case, I am desperately hoping that rigorous and intense prayer helps my case with God.

Panulat

Minsan, malungkot lang. Ganun pala pag bigla kang mag-isa. Masyadong tahimik. Ngayon ko lang naaalala ang mga panahon noon na naghahanap ako ng kausap, pero wala naman akong masabi, kaya hanggang dampot lang ako ng cellphone pero walang matype na mensahe.

Ano kaya ang mga iniisip ko noon habang mag-isa ako? Paano ko napuno ang mga oras ng katahimikan?

Magagawa ko rin iyon ngayon. Matututunan ko ulit masanay na walang sinasandalan para sa mumunting kaligayahan.

Pero minsan, malungkot lang.

Matagal na panahon nang hindi ako nagsusulat ng tula. Ngunit nitong mga nakaraang araw, naiisip ko ang isang tulang kinatha ko matagal na panahon nang nakararaan. Taong 2004 pa iyon, at sa pagkakatanda ko wala naman akong kinapupusuan noong ako'y nasa ikalawang taon ng kolehiyo. Hindi ko sasabihing magaling akong makata, pero nakapagtataka lang na nahuli ng batang imahinasyon ko ang totoong pakiramdam ng isang nangungulila... ako, ngayon, anim na taon pagkalipas...

I Shall Write

How very long til I see you
How very long I'll have to wait
Among the purple skies I shall seek
A star on a cloudless night...
For a wish.
How very often I'll have to walk
Along the shore to watch the waves--
Chasing each other--
Knowing you are on the other side,
Somewhere.
I'll have to practice
Laughing naturally again
And crinkling my eyes
For I seem to have forgotten how.
I'll have to learn to like
Mornings again as they come
Despite knowing it's another day
Without you by my side.
Every breath takes much effort
That sometimes it feels like a chore.
You're the only reason I keep it going, I suppose.
Your name is at the tip of my tongue
That I keep rolling around.
It sounds decibels louder when I whisper it to the air
And I think everybody hears, and I'm afraid.
Each day is like an enemy
I have to battle to get closer to the time
When I'll see you again.
To the time when I won't have to wake up
And find one side of the bed still made
Because I only slept on the other side.
To the time when everyday is not a dream
But a reality filled with wild, vivid colors
Ended with a goodnight kiss.
How very long til that comes to be
And until then I shall write
Until all the words are drained out of me.

Oo, emo. Pero hindi ba lahat ng naisulat, isinusulat at isusulat pa lamang na tula at kabaduyan sa greeting cards, naranasan, nararanasan at mararanasan ng puso habang binabaybay ng tao ang karagatan ng buhay?

Nagpapasalamat ako sa 17 taong gulang na bersyon ng aking sarili sa pagkatha ng tulang nabanggit na. Kung hindi, kailangan ko pang pigain ang puso ko ngayong sugat-sugat na. At kapag likha na ang obra maestra kong sa wakas ay hinugot sa mapait na karanasan, tatawagin itong corny o cliche ng mambabasa.

I never knew

This afternoon, you were in pieces while I managed to be calm and cool. As soon as I got home, I was shattered.

Everything reminds me of you and you remind me of everything.

I've seen people get their hearts broken in movies but I never knew it would be like this.

I didn't know the pain would also be physical, like a fist squeezing my heart in a constant rhythm.

It hurts so much. So much, and the tears won't stop flowing. Now I know why yours won't earlier today.

If it means anything, THIS is for you.

Family day, family time sublime

Somehow, 4 hours into the weekend, I've already upset my mother. And that's even before I came home at 1am this morning (it was for work, mind you).

Apparently, I forgot to logout Facebook before leaving for work yesterday. I used her laptop which gave her a chance to browse my pictures. She said one picture made her very "sad". In my mind I quickly scanned through my Facebook albums in a panic, and it turns out it's this one one:

Taken during a test drive, this photo was supposed to show the fun of Mini Cooper. The only thing I'm upset about it is how huge my arm looks, thanks to the wideshot of Lumix.

My mom said I should practice self-censure. She is embarrassed for me on the notion that my family members on Facebook would have already seen this picture too. God knows what their reactions must have been!

I'm not pissed or anything. I just feel sorry that I always seem to disappoint her. Is it the 20-year age gap or some psychological thing that makes us the opposite of each other? She thinks I'm the family black sheep because I'm liberated and I think she's a social deviant because she is... well, non-sociable.

I thought about how long it has been since we went to church together. I'm sure our prayers must be very entertaining for God to listen to.

By the way, Sunday is supposed to be family day. Most of the people I know spend this day with their families in malls, eating out in restaurants, even going to church. In our family, it's the only day I don't go out because I have no work, but it's the day my parents choose to frolic in the city albeit taking their separate ways (my mom to the mall, my dad to see his friends). And they accuse me of not spending time with them.

Their ideal bonding time is breakfast at 7am, even on weekends. And if I miss it because I got home late the night before, they act like I left the country for twenty years and never called once. I love my family, but when people think I'm brought up spoiled just because I'm an only child, I really want to laugh out loud. Sometimes I think my parents have too much time on their hands and I want to send them off on speed dating for retired people looking for best friends.

Personal research for the elections - Manny Villar

I've put together bits and pieces of information gotten from the Internet from blogs, news and forum statements. I already know who I'm not voting for, I just need evidence to justify why.

First I'm targeting Manny Villar, beginning from the ethical charges against him on graft and corruption, to the fraudulent story about his life. It's shameful the way Villar is dishonoring the effort of his parents to give his family a good life when they were young by telling lies for political advancement. By building his defense on lies upon lies, can you imagine what it will be like when he gets the highest position of power in the Philippines?

How Villar enriched himself with his housing program

From the email of a certain Antonio Hidalgo, Sec. Gen. of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) of former President Ramos from 1995-1998. He says he studied the flaws of the UHLP scheme and after getting Ramos' approval to instructions to proceed in 1996, set up the inter-agency task force to reform the UHLP which was completed in 1997.

Villar built many thousands of low-cost houses from 1986 to 1997 under the Unified Home Lending Scheme (UHLP) of the socialized housing law (E.O. 90) which he and his Chamber of Real Estate and Builder's Association minions got Cory to sign in 1986.

The result of building these houses under the UHLP was that he became a billionaire while the funders (SSS, GSIS, Pag-Ibig) suffered losses in billions with bad home mortgages covering the houses. Eventually, the bad mortgages had to be covered by the national government using tax revenues because the funders were covered by a sovereign guarantee. Beginning 2003-2004, the losses had to be written off by selling them through special purpose asset vehicles (SPAVS) at a fraction of their face value. Meanwhile, half of Metro Manila is still filled with squatters.

The UHLP was designed in such a way that it only benefited the developers. Billions were taken annually from the SSS, GSIS and Pag-Ibig and given to the NHMFC to disburse. The owners of the funds lost control over how they were lent out. Even the NHMFC was not given control, instead it just allocated mortgage quotas to developers from the annual funds of the lenders and automatically released the face amount of mortgages to the lenders upon submission of the mortgage papers.

The developers did not check creditworthiness. They went around malls with blank mortgage papers, waylaid passersby and enticed them to sign the papers and then went to the NHMFC to cash in. This resulted in nearly a financial collapse because of default rates of more than 70% in mortgages.

Why businessmen-turned-politicians shouldn't be trusted

From then congressman Joker Arroyo's privilege speech in 1998 which accused of the following charges in violation several laws (note that at the time, Villar was just Speaker of the House):

1. Violation of Article XI of the Constitution titled “Accountability of Public Officers”
2. Violation of Republic Act No. 6713 known as the “Code of Conduct and Ethical Standards for Public Officials”

Villar is either the President, Chairman or has the biggest controlling interest in the country's biggest low-cost housing developers. Villar should have divested himself of his interest in the said companies since he was a Congressman. The companies should have been forbidden to enter into financial arrangements with government institutions. Until now, he is still connected to these companies and is no hurry to divest himself.

Villar controls the Capitol Bank. Mrs. Villar is the chief executive officer. The Capitol Bank received loans, financial accommodations and guarantees from the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas from 1992 to 1998 while he was a Representative. That is constitutionally forbidden. If a Representative has a controlling interest in a firm or entity, that firm or entity cannot be extended a loan, a guaranty, or a financial accommodation for any business purpose from any government financial institution. If that firm or entity would like to obtain a loan, a guaranty or a financial accommodation from a government financial institution, that firm or entity must first relieve itself of the controlling interest of the Representative.

3. Violation of Republic Act No. 3019 otherwise known as the Anti-Graft and Corrupt Practices Act

Simply put, the law provides that it shall be unlawful for public officers to author any law or resolution that would benefit or favor them. This applies even to that representative who just recommended, not even authored, the enactment of such law that benefited him.

Villar incorporated Republic Act No. 7835 or the recapitalization of the NHMFC and the amendment to the Agri-Aqua Law to include housing investment, which affected companies with a nature precisely like his.

Villar co-authored H.B. No. 11005 which increased the capital of the NHMFC. This became the main source of funding of Villar’s companies. Estrada admitted that the NHMFC was bankrupt. Increasing the capitalization of a bankrupt GFI benefited Villar’s housing companies.

Villar also made Pag-ibig Find contributions compulsory and to increase housing investments with the SSS. Pag-ibig is a main source of funding of Villar’s companies.

In a word, Villar’s legislation from 1992 to 1998 were designed to benefit his business, a violation of the Anti-Graft Law.

4. Violation of Republic Act 6713 Section 3 (j) referring to Divestment (transfer of title or disposal of interest in property by voluntarily)

Manuela Corporation, a housing and realty corporation, owned by the family of the wife of Villar applied for and was granted a loan of P1 billion by the SSS and another P2 billion loan with GSIS. SSS, historically and as a matter of public policy does not extend direct loans to business enterprise. The direct loan to Manuela Corporation is a first in SSS history.

Manuela Corporation owes the Capitol Bank, which also owned by Villar, P150 million. This means the loan was simply an indirect financial accommodation extended by GFIs to relieve Capitol Bank of the P150 million loan.

5. Violation of Article XIII Sections 4,5,6,7 and 8 about the agrarian reform program

The Comprehensive Agrarian Reform Program (CARP) says all lands covered by CARP cannot be used for residential, agricultural, industrial or other uses unless a clearance, conversion, or exemption for a particular property is first issued by DAR.

At the time in 1998, Villar's companies have developed 5,950 hectares or almost 60,000,000 square meters of CARP lands into residential subdivision without the appropriate DAR issuances. 60,000,000 square meters is three times the size of Makati.

And he says "Kung gusto kong magpayaman, babalik nalang ako sa pagiging negosyante."

Why do we need 2 parallel roads: one paid, one free, that are next to each other?

From the blog of Winnie Monsod, an article about the C-5 project

See the interactive map of GMA7 to show the controversy. She's right. The C-5 extension project is not on only costly, it is totally unnecessary. Who would pay for the toll road (the Manila-Expressway Cavite Expressway Toll Project) when a free road is almost right beside it?

Kung mahirap si Villar, hampas lupa tayong lahat (a Facebook fanpage)

From a blog article entitled Unmasking Manny Villar's Fraudulent Life

Manny Villar's lies about his past:

1. Villar's house in Tondo

A document surfaced that Villar’s father, a government bureaucrat, had used to borrow money from GSIS to build a house. Villar admitted they lived on Bernardo St., San Rafael Village in Tondo which, as pointed out by Monsod and Esposo, were upper-middle class neighborhoods of Tondo in the 60s. Even Erap is from Tondo, but he isn't anywhere near poor.

By Villar’s own candid admission, the house was a two-bedroom house, which is the usual size for starter homes. It was a bigger house than his standard housing units in his subdivisions. This is validated by Jun Borres, the fishing magnate from Iloilo who bought the house in 1987. “Villar grew up there, and it was definitely a nice neighborhood back in the 60s,” Borres said. It wasn’t, as Villar contends, a lot submerged under a pool of water.

The grant of the GSIS loan to build a house in 1962 contradicts Villar’s claim about the condition of the property. GSIS would not have approved the loan if it found the property unsuitable for the construction of a house. GSIS loans are categorized as supervised credit, meaning you can’t avail of the money unless the house is actually constructed. It must also be emphasized that the loan was for the construction of a house. This means the elder Villars had saved enough money to buy a 560-sqm. property before 1962! Villar knows that first-time home owners buy smaller lots. For his parents to have bought 560-sqm. in a gated subdivision means they had more than enough money.

The GSIS loan also provides a good clue on how much his father, Manuel Villar Sr. was earning from the government. As any GSIS member knows, the amount of loan is based on the salary level of the applicant-member. Sixteen thousand pesos might seem like small change nowadays, but was already a fortune back in 1962. It wasn’t a level that would be granted to a janitor or a clerk. Manuel Villar Sr. occupied a supervisory position. Not exactly the kind of person who would qualify as poor.

Villar He didn’t detail the period during which they had lived there. His assertion that all nine siblings slept on a single mat is also shattered. He is the second of nine children. If his departed brother is number three or number four, by 1962 the family would already have been living in San Rafael Village. How can all the nine siblings sleep on a single mat when by 1962, not all children have been born? It’s simple logic.

2. Swimming in a sea of garbage

It was also true, he said, that he had swam in a sea of garbage. He didn’t mention that in the 50s, the waters near Tondo were clean, and not used as dumping ground for garbage.

3. The lie about his brother's death

When the disease had reached terminal stage, the family brought Danny to the FEU hospital. Villar tried to cover it with a story and said the only reason his brother was admitted to the FEU Hospital is that his father had a cousin who worked as a nurse there, and facilitated the patient’s confinement in the charity ward.

Villar said his brother was regularly examined by the “family doctor” as there were almost no specialists as we know them today at the time. Poor families then, as it remains to be the case now, had barely enough money to see a doctor. For a family like the Villars to have a “family doctor” shatters the myth about their being poor. It is easy for Villar to claim that his brother died as a charity ward patient, but one thing is clear — his brother didn’t die because his parents had no money to buy his medicines.

It was also shown that Danny was taken to the Funeraria Paz, which was reported to be an upscale mortuary service back then. Villar tries to sidestep the issue by saying, “no, he was just embalmed at Funeraria Paz, but we held the wake at our house because it was too expensive there.” On this, Villar again insults the Filipino intelligence. The practice of holding funeral wakes at funeral parlors is a recent development. In the 60s and 70s, bereaved families did their mourning in their homes.

Reflections

How is it possible to act idiotic and still be forgiven for it?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And yet, I feel more loved than ever.

* * *

Watching When Harry Met Sally on cable. Funny, it was the movie on my mind the whole day yesterday. You know the part where Harry was comforting Sally when she found out Jo is getting married? The guy who's beside you while you look like shit is surely a keeper. What more if he's still there after seeing your head in the toilet bowl vomitting your guts out?

The downside is I can never show my face to his parents again. Stupid? Very. I want to apologize to every single person who was affected that night, including all his friends, his brother, my parents, my grandmother... It was a real mess. The longest 24 hours of my life. And I even spent most of it asleep!

* * *

I found out through Facebook that someone who used to be a co-worker recently had her life turned upside down. Bad breakup, work meltdown, the works. I feel bad being counted as one of people's "Friends" when I don't even know what's happening to them, let alone be there for them. I'm jealous of her ability to open herself up to the entire Facebook community and share what she went through though. It's a display of humility, plus it's a wonderful way to discover how many people actually care. It's not really how many "Friends" you have, it's how many people react to the things you post.

* * *

I haven't been very good this Lenten season. Didn't go to church once. Didn't even pray and reflect. Except yesterday, which was an awakening really. I have a feeling God won't be very nice to me this year.

7-Elections

Why bother to vote when my candidate seems likely to lose anyway? That's what I thought initially. But now I'm determined to exercise my right to vote ESPECIALLY because Villar and Noynoy are ahead in the polls. Somehow, my vote for Gibo Teodoro will negate a vote for any of them. Just look at that Gibo Teodoro cup right there. Wouldn't you say he'd look good on money?!

The "7-Elections" marketing campaign of 7-11 is brilliant. Together with GMA 7 and MBC, these collectible cups with the presidentiables' faces is a way of keeping a pulse on the voting population.

So far, Noynoy Aquino has most cups sold in 7-11 stores nationwide, with Gibo Teodoro not far behind. Erap's Obama-looking cup looks so nice you'll want to buy it even if you're not a supporter, so that's probably why he's third. Let's be honest, his supporters don't seem to be the convenience store types. The rest of the ranking goes Manny Villar for fourth, then Eddie Villanueva and finally Dick Gordon.

The collectible cups are actually for Big Gulp fountain drinks, but after some pleading the store guy allowed us to some Slurpee goodness. Hehe. Now, not only do I have a cool souvenir, I also tasted the new Slurpee flavors, Mountain Dew Blast (in Erap cup) and Fuji Apple (Gibo). I liked the former better because it has some sour taste, whereas the Fuji Apple is all sweetness.

Rite of passage

Today marks an important day in my life. I got a checkbook! I was afraid the teller would refuse my request after seeing the dismal state of my finances. What a relief when she nicely processed the whole thing. And then she asked terrible things like my Tin number and SSS. Like I'm a real adult. I mean, I used to have those transactions when I was working in my old company where there was a proper accountant. But now the situation is like:

(During coffee break in the office)

Me: "By the way, what about my SSS?"

B: "Yeah we need to take care of that."

Me: "Ok."

B: "I'll talk to the accountant."

Me: "Ok."

And that's been the routine for months now. So you see, I've got more important things to worry about than who gets to hoard my taxes this coming elections... like how to pay for them in the first place.

Going to the bank is really depressing; my bank balance is like a black and white picture of my success (more like failure) so far. Having to face that reality makes me feel like an adult, but not just yet. I still believe I'm not officially one until I'm paying for credit card bills, which I have also applied for-- ironically because I'm determined to save up... starting TODAY!

What keeps me going

Even though my mom hates what I do, and my dad doesn't believe in what I do, everytime I create something, it's enough.

Maybe one day, I can make something really beautiful and everyone will see that I'm on to something... that I've been on to something all along. Maybe I'm not just a crazy person who doesn't want to get sucked into the bloodless (or bloody, depending on your interpretation) corporate world.

If nothing comes out of trying, I would've still learned something in the end.

Why does the sun go on shining?

Do you know what it's like to be told that, after all--at least according to Chinese gods--you are not meant to be with the person you love? I have always regarded the temple my family goes to with respect akin to fear. For a time I stopped going, especially when I started taking Theology in college and began to understand my religion more. I don't even know who I'm praying to in there, and I have a suspicion "they" have never understood my prayers which are seldom in Chinese.

Here's what it I feel like doing now:

1. Rip my heart out and watch until it stops beating in my hand.
2. Ask who the hell is writing the rules up there.
3. And then ask why he or she bothered to let us meet in the first place.
4. Convince myself that the prediction is stupid. Surely any religion that offers predictions is a work of the devil!
5. Find someone who can tell me such.
6. Die. Just die right now. Life can't go on.

All my life I've had little faith in love. Are they going to completely take it away from me?

It's been such a depressing day. Name the worst thunderstorm of 2009 (ok, it was Ondoy...) and it wouldn't compare to the dark clouds over my head and the thunder and lightning in my heart.

Did you know what my dad suggested today? That I take up nursing. That is how much of a failure I am.

My first-- but definitely not last-- rally race

The automotive people is a real fun crowd. I just came home from the 2010 STV Auto Rally Corporate Challenge, a revival of the "sampaguita rally" which is a major motor sport event during the 60s.

As usual, I agreed to B's proposition to be his teammate without full comprehension of what I was getting myself into. Little did I know that 65 automobiles would be joining the event, making for the "biggest-ever"starting grid from 13 teams representing major car manufacturers and dealers in the Philippines. It is "a milestone in the country's motor sports history and one of the biggest events of the local auto industry for this year," according to STV President Mr. Butch Gamboa. Of course, when I found out, I was already there, a notebook and a calculator rattling in my bag at an ungodly hour of 5am.

From cute Kia units to Porsches, every major car brand was there. Fortunately the model of the car really didn't matter (although I imagine it wouldn't hurt to be sitting in a Porsche or Audi for one whole day of driving, and their hi-tech features would definitely be an advantage).

The contest is not based on speed but on the concept of being "on time, all the time." I'm too lazy to describe what we did today, so I'll just put the link to Mr. Butch Gamboa's article here.

I was part of team Universal Motors Corp., so B and I drove a Navarra provided by Nissan. We took turns being the driver and navigator. While I enjoyed the scenic drive to Subic for the transport stage, I had fun navigating as well. I must say it improved my directing skills (I always confuse left and right turn), and I had forgotten how exciting it can be to solve math problems. Math is the only thing in the world that doesn't lie. Math is our friend.

We made some mistakes that cost us the chance to be declared champion, but the beautiful views, the pleasure of meeting great people from various industries, and the excitement of not only being in close proximity with dreamy cars but driving with them, makes it all worth it.

More important, it gave B and I the opportunity to work together towards achieving something. I thought we'd be at each other's necks by the end of the day, but I was surprised at how harmonious and agreeable we turned out to be. I guess that happens when two people have a shared respect for each other's abilities.

Anyway, to conclude, this event taught me a very important lesson. No, B and I are hopeless at being on time, any time. Haha! :D