Inside a bride's head

Now I know why it takes a year to plan a wedding. It's not because of the things to do; it takes a year for all the emotions to go through you.

I've been puzzled by this great sadness underlying the days before my wedding. I'm supposed to be blooming and hyper with excitement right? One friend said I seem to be very sad lately. If it were him getting married, and there was any trace of doubt or sadness about it, he'd be thinking twice on the matter.

He was speaking from a guy's point of view. If there indeed was any sadness on the part of the bridegroom-to-be, I'm sure there's a strong reason to evaluate the decision. Men go through life's transitions with sharpness and precision.

But I am a woman. So many emotions are overwhelming me-- relationship with my parents, with my groom to be, my feelings about my identity and future self, even my feelings towards my friends.

I have this inexplicable clinginess to my family, my home, my childhood belongings, of late. And when I think of all the things I'll be leaving behind, I feel anger that it should have to be this way, that somebody is taking me away from all the things I've been for 24 years. When I think about who I'm going to be next year, I'm angry that I have to shed my single-girl identity and assume a role that I don't even know. I'm scared that this role is going to be permanent, and I can't switch easily as I like to before. I'm angry and panicked at so much loss...

The night before my engagement, I feel like grieving. It seemed to me that it was the end of the world, and I should be given license to do something crazy on last time. But I didn't, because I was afraid of messing up the next day. I wanted to grieve losing my independence, solitude, and self-absorption. I wanted to see the wildest me that night, before I'm confined in an institution that doesn't have room for that psyche.

You might think maybe I'm not with the right person. The fact that I didn't do anything stupid that might sabotage the engagement means it was important to me, and therefore I had no doubts about my future husband. But since I almost lost my engagement ring last September, I rarely wear my ring. I don't like seeing it, not only out of trauma that I might lose it again, but because it signifies the new persona that I'm not-- I never wear rings, so this piece of jewelry feels strange and heavy on my finger. When it catches the light and sparkles, I admire it for representing me... like he sees me like this diamond... "simple and beautiful" in his own words. It also represents the purity of an engaged couple's love, rarely acknowledged in the day to day grind, but always there at the core. At the same time, it represents ownership. When I'm wearing it, I don't know who I am. I feel much older, and I don't know how to act. Even though I cherish the promise it symbolizes, not wearing it is my way of keeping my identity for as long as I could, before I make the transition into a bride.

It is also this time that I want to surround myself with my friends at all times. I don't like talking about my wedding, rather I cherish the usual girl chatter. Although sometimes I get the urge to open up and ask for emotional support, I don't know where to start, or how to articulate my confusion, or loneliness, without sounding like I'm getting cold feet or there's a problem between B and myself. What also stops me is I know my closest friends won't be able to relate, because marriage is so far from their minds. I'm looking forward to my bachelorette party, but I'm hoping of a spiritual experience to help me carry this load as the clock ticks on towards the wedding day, rather than a rowdy, lingerie party.

B, if you're reading this, don't worry, you're not supposed to do anything, and anything you're supposed to be doing, you're doing magnificently... especially the after wedding trip. :p