Near the end

The year is almost over and finally we have our invitations printed and ready to go (we only need to print the guests' names on the envelopes). We've done so much and yet it's the tiny tiny details (as tiny as the shape of the ring bearer's pillow!) that's bugging us. Oh well, we leave everything up to fate and wait until next year when work resumes for most people.

Looking back on the new things that happened to me this year, I'm amazed to find small accomplishments among the lot of chaotic (and irresponsible) events, like:

1. New friends
2. New travels
3. New job - finally in the design field!
4. New attitude, better perspective of the future
5. New realizations: self acceptance and sensitivity toward people around me. I learned that love is an effort; people won't be aware of your love unless you show it often.
6. New skills
7. New problems - weirder, weightier ones you thought only happens in the movies. Honestly. Every year, there's a part where I ask myself how I ever ended up in a situation. I once wrote that people wait for the ride of their lives, but this is your life! I either seek the thrill of making problems or they find me effortlessly. Probably the former.

8. And... do I even need to mention this one? A new door that opened for me that meant closing all the rest. A big, life changing decision that lead to a multitude of small ones that will never end, but will be more calming than singlehood choices will ever be (to date or pass? To break up or stick it through? Work or study? Leave the country or stay???!).

Of all the things I am thankful for for the year that will soon be over, I am most thankful for believing in love.

During one of the most do or die moments of our relationship, I remember assuring B, "Everything will be all right. This problem is all about love, and it will also get solved because of love. Everyone will end up understanding each other. We'll be okay in the end, I promise."

I said it with conviction, but I wish I can say that I myself believed it. However it came true. I held on, and with the help of prayers, love did solve everything. So, I believe in love, as you should. I also believe that love and humility are two sides of a coin. I was humbled more than ever this year.

At the start of the 2010, B and I wrote goals at the back of our office planners and sealed them. The idea is to open the page at the end of the year to find out if we were able to meet any of them. I can't wait to find out what his was, and to revisit the list I made... It seems like my idea of what matters at the start of the year is very immature given all that has passed since then!

Physically and mentally pooped

So of course the past few days have been big diet plan fails. I'm giving myself some leeway since it's Christmas, and I'd rather spend it socializing than at home, with every fiber of my body aching from self restraint at attacking holiday goodies.

Despite the holiday aftermath, my mind is inexplicably on beach mode for our pre-honeymoon escape right after the wedding. My physical state somehow couldn't stop me from bikini shopping, which only lead to self-loathing as expected. Thanks to this impulse however, I scored a bargain at Debenham's with a cute bikini set for only a little over P1,000! They started a 20% off sale on all items just today, so my size is luckily aplenty.

Aside from resort wear shopping, B and I selected our bridal registry items today. After approximately three hours in the home section of Rustan's, I asked B if he enjoyed. He replied n the affirmative and threw the question back to me. I said it's tiring, because it's overwhelming to think we'd be using all that kitchenware!!! My idea of "home" shopping is plush beddings, laundry hampers, dinnerware sets, pretty picture frames, matching terry cloth bathrobes, candles and potpourri. It never occurred to me that I need knives, ironing board, rice cooker, and let's not forget, a weighing scale. In my mind those came instantly with our house, like light or toilet fixtures.

I'm a little excited to start our life, but exhausted of the preparations before then. In the coming weeks, I'll just be at the mall if you need me.

Christmas with the girls

Ok, last night was a slip. But it was Christmas party with the girls! Surely that's excuse enough! How can I not eat the wonderful shepherd's pie made by our hostess Niq, the perfect spicy bacon pasta from the kitchen of Teddi and the rich rich to die for chocolate teddykins (molten chocolate) also by our resident Giada de Laurentiis??

Toasted wine and champagne in celebration of... life? Love? Friendship. Family. Thankfulness for all the blessings (and brokenness) this year.

It was our first "grown-up" dinner, and it was great. It's great to realize we've grown up but also grown together. I can see it as becoming a tradition over the years, provided nobody moves abroad. But as if fate is giving a foreshadowing, our theme was winter, so everybody was dressed like Christmas in New York.

Here's to learning, enduring and hoping. Here's to being mid-twenties and being young and fresh. Here's to not being so smart sometimes, but definitely being strong all the time. Here's to the unknown future that awaits! =)

Random update

Crazy weekend. Dyed my hair, not for the wedding but because... well maybe with the change of hair color will come a change in outlook, a change in attitude. Besides I'm bored with having ordinary hair.

Spent the weekend swimming in Laguna. It was our office Christmas party last Saturday and while I was there, my parents checked in a different resort where they'd be staying overnight.

After our office party I went to join my parents. I hadn't spent time with them like that in a while. They seemed to like the resort I chose for them, which is great. But I can't help thinking... is it going to be our last trip with me as their unmarried daughter? When I showed mom a particularly nice photo from the digicam, she said, "This is going to be [part of] my memory."

I hope we can make more happy memories, just the three of us...

By the way, I really really have to get in shape. I've been procrastinating the diet and exercise for the longest time. When I heard about what happened to one of my best friends, who couldn't fit into a sponsor's gown a week before the wedding and had to crash diet for three days because she couldn't sit down in the dress, I had a vision of the same thing happening to me with my wedding gown. Aaack! My friend managed to squeeze into the dress but she couldn't breathe in it! Good thing she didn't die.

So tomorrow will be my second time to visit the gym this month. It will also be the first day I'll be eliminating junk (this sounds familiar) from my diet. No more chips and candy. Swear. Really, I swear. This blog will be my monitor.

Lezdodiz.

Really really dangerous thoughts

Do all engaged couples fight this much? If so many things are going wrong during the preparation about and beyond the wedding, is it a signal that's the whole thing is wrong?

You know what I miss? I miss not being in a relationship. I miss getting invited to dinner, and actually wondering if it's worth my time. I miss getting picked up by a strange car, and introducing a stranger to my friends.

I miss the unpredictability of my days, when I can be going out with this person this month and someone else the next.

I guess what I really miss is being uncommitted. There's all this pressure and expectations in a relationship. Expectations only set you up for disappointment, and after the 100th time you think you've learned your lesson, but you can't help it.

I'm being really negative right now. I'm seriously considering getting out of this thing while I still can. Why do I want to be hitched this early? Why would anyone want to get hitched at all?

Nobody's perfect, I know. But what if some days all you can see about each other are their flaws, and how you don't have to deal with those flaws? You don't have to accept, settle, whatever.

And so what if he thinks the same way about you. Yeah of course you're flawed too. Hello, being barely mid twenties allows you to have flaws, to be much more underdeveloped. But at least you're still malleable. And anyway what matters is you right? This is your life you're surrendering.

What if you change your mind?

What if I don't want to deal with all this anymore?

Feeling good with small accomplishments

I know there's a lot left to be done, but it feels good to tick things off my list one by one.

Finally replaced our coordinator. We thought it would be impossible to get a reputable Chinese coordinator this late, so we couldn't fire our previous one. Good thing the referral I got from relatives turned out to be decent. I like her, but I hope it stays that way until next year if not better.

Today, B and I are scheduled to check the proof of our invitation. I'll finally see it on actual paper! My mom thinks I shouldn't have stressed myself out with designing some elements of the wedding. But I already had to concede with everyone else on the major decisions like the church and reception venue, the caterer, and heck even the gown, that the only way I can own the event is by contributing something that's essentially my creation.

B and I are almost done picking out the music. It's one of my favorite chores about this whole thing. I think I started planning my wedding with the music instead of the venue. The only problem now is our first dance! We started watching instructional videos on the Web on How to Slow Dance, but I don't think it'll do the trick for left-feet people like us! It was hilarious how B kept stepping on my imaginary gown and we kept tripping over each other's feet or stumbling from side to side. Goodness, that spectacle is worth watching out for for sure.

Not all roses and rainbows

Just came home from dinner at Izumi Sake Bar with B. It was our first sake together, and I want moooore!

I think I felt all possible emotions for a human being in just one day. Good thing I'm getting married or I'd think I'm losing my marbles.

I learned something important today. Well, relearned, actually. Somehow, I'd forgotten that B is much older than I am. I'm thinking about the fun of being married, and he's thinking about how to make that fun happen with finances. I have to agree that I can be naive without realizing it... or maybe I do but I'm just masking my doubts with positive thoughts.

Instead of getting annoyed at him for being less enthusiastic at sharing my rosy picture of the future, I should've realized that he was troubled. I never thought of stepping into his shoes and when I tried to, I suddenly understood the weight of the load and anxiety he's carrying. I got upset that he's so low key nowadays, and I took that to be a sign of being less in love. But somebody's got to think about the practical things, like how the hell we're going to live. I want to apologize for being shallow... I was too wrapped up in my own issues and fears to recognize it still as being in love... the grown-up kind.

The man and the music

I just got to say, the right man always has the right music at the right time. The right man has to have some appreciation for music, unless you're both really weird.

But he's not just any music lover. This guy knows words can't express what he wants to say, and lets music do the talking. He doesn't even know what it is precisely that he wants to say, but his heart is moved to this music. He plays the music only hoping that, if there is indeed a connection between you, your heart is tugged too.

When you meet this person, who thoughtfully puts on a song for you thinking that you and only you can really hear it, you've met the one.

Well, that's what leading men in movies are like, right?

My Love Story

You think your love life's going to unfold like how it does in the movies. When you're single and looking, the possibilities are endless. After a good romantic comedy, you sit back and sigh and get all dreamy and hopeful about tomorrow. But when you're in a relationship, you find yourself asking, What happened?

More often than not, our love lives happen without us realizing it. And I think that sucks. We want our love story to be extra ordinary. We want to be swept off our feet. However in real life, anybody with a good head on his/her shoulders will prevent that from happening-- replacing giddy, flattering feelings with paranoid thoughts or nonchalance.

In the end is it better to be stupid and let yourself get hurt 10x than be cautious and glide from one moment to another cool as a cat, so if things turn out unexpectedly you'll easily get out unscathed? When do you let it all out? When it's too late? You've already lost the person, or are already getting married, and you didn't even let yourself just drink in the magic of finding love in your life. You know, get carried away. Live and breathe the drama of it!

I don't really know why I'm sending this out to cyberspace (well I did just watch Bridget Jones' Diary again...) but I just want to say glad as I am to have a love story to speak of, I wish I'd been a more ready heroine at the time so I would have recognized that what was happening was already The Love Story of My Life. What's more, it's disturbing to think if I'd ever been an ideal leading lady... you know the warm, funny girl who gets the guy with her charm and pure heart... And how weird is it that your hero once is just an ordinary guy to you now... as familiar as a favorite shirt you've owned forever and can never get tired of? I wonder, will we ever be exciting to each other again, like those first few encounters in love stories?

Do I really know you at all?

Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a wall

You like to think you're always right

Accusing me of starting every fight

You're Mr. So Impeccable

Reasoning with you's impossible

You think you've got the insights

I may as well be black and white

But after all, do you have a clue?

After all, I've got layers just like you.

Don't love only parts of me

I wouldn't know who to be

I should already know every corner of your heart

But the mean things we say tear us apart

Do I really know you at all

Darkness depress us tall as a wall