Packing

This past few days have been all about deciding what to take with me as I become a wife, and what to leave behind. Generally, what gets left behind is the old, the worn, the unwanted.

Last night I started to pack my suitcase. As I watched the empty hangers dangling on the closet rod, and the contents getting thinner by the minute, my shoulders started to sag. Years worth of clothing, and every one of them with a memory attached to it... What's going to happen to them now? I thought about how each one is defined by what they wear, like costumes that identify cartoon characters. Every item of clothing that my parents own is as familiar to me as their voice, their facial expressions. I'm sure they feel the same way about my belongings... It's weird... the t-shirts they usually see me in will be here, but I won't. It's like leaving my skin.

When I become this new person in a new house with a new role, who will I become with my new clothes? I realize that it's a chance to reinvent myself... maybe I'll start wearing pink and capri pants. It took 24 years to build my old wardrobe to who I am today. What will it look like five years from now?

I know it's too early to pack but it'll just be harder the closer we get to the wedding day. I want to ask my parents so many questions, like how they are feeling: do they feel sad? Are they going to miss me? What's their favorite memory of this house? What do they want to do before I leave?

I have so many regrets. I wish I had known exactly how much time we had; I wish I didn't hurry to grow up. And now time wouldn't slow down no matter what we did. I ended the night by putting back the childhood pictures B and I selected for one the wedding program AVPs. I didn't expect to get caught it in it, but I did. I ended up poring over all the albums, going over birthdays, family trips, pictures at home, school events... I don't know why I didn't see it before, but there were some really happy pictures of my mom and dad. With a pang, I realized I haven't seen them that happy in the last 6 months.

All I wanted my whole life is to make them happy. Turns out all I had to do was stop growing.

My room has become a storage for Chinese pre-wedding stuff-- symbolic items that will precede my coming to the groom's house, to be brought there this Wednesday. My mom and I are busy completing the requirements and it's been a great way to bond. What I'm worried about now though, is how empty my room would feel when all the clutter's gone. Without the ribbons, the mirror, the suitcases, tea sets, porcelains, bedspreads, etc., it will be more conducive to thinking. With the last pre-wedding Chinese custom is out of the way, we'd be less busy. Will I get to ask my questions by then?

The present, the future, the past

Twelve days before my wedding and I don't know how to feel about it anymore.

I'm not as panicky as before, and all the sentimental feelings about leaving home, etc., are gone.

All I can think of now is let it be over...

I wish weddings weren't such a big deal. I wish they were intimate occasions that happen to every family, like baptism or Christmas dinners. I wish there needn't be too much fuss or expense over it. I mean if you're planning to get in touch four times a week over the phone and thrice a month by visiting, it shouldn't be a big deal for the families right?

Now I'm just concentrating on looking ok on the big day. Like getting sleep (shoot! It's 11:30pm), drinking water (well juice counts right?) and exercising (as much as my current health condition allows me; just my luck I caught the flu and still am not completely well).

It's so weird that I'm getting married NEXT WEEK. What's even harder to fathom is that week after next week all this will be done and the stress and anxiety will only be memories!!!

Last twelve days of being single... of owning myself... of being a Miss.

I heard an interesting topic on the Boys' Night Out radio show on the way home tonight (disclaimer: I don't habitually listen to them). They were talking about the "quantity" that makes girl or a guy laspag (well-worn in English). Is it the number of people s/he's been around with? Slept with? Callers answered 2-3 for girls, some as high as 5, for guys some said 15, others infinity. Some said it's not how many, it boils down to a name-- as in who were the past girls or guys? They may turn out to be your friends, or someone you know that know them.

The common answer however, is that the quantity doesn't really matter as much as the physical maintenance. You could have had a thousand partners but look fresh if you take good care of yourself.

If you were to ask me, my limit is at 5 girlfriends, 1 five year long relationship and 15 unique shags. Five girlfriends is a lot of memories to compete with, and a five year long relationship that didn't go anywhere means a lot of exhausted feelings that might have resulted in secret jadedness. He might look and feel "fresh", but what about where freshness really matters... in the heart? As for the 15 unique shags, well as long as he wasn't in a relationship with all of the women, I'm quite liberal in that department. Maybe he's lonely, maybe he didn't know what he was looking for. All of it was a process that lead him to you.

I don't know if I should share this, but I suppose listening to that show made me thankful of how I took care of myself as I was growing up. I wouldn't go into the details anymore but if my fiance really knew me, despite how stupid he thinks I am, he would realize that my past could only give him gratification.

Turning the tables around, B's past is blurry to me. He doesn't share much no matter how I prod, and when he does, a part of me refuses to understand completely, so I only absorb patches of information. I do know that he's gotten around enough. As for being in love... I prefer putting it as really liking someone, in which case I'm sure there had been a couple of women. Sometimes I get annoying and pry for information about those girls, just so I could secretly self-compare. But then I'd realize that he was different then, and they must be different now.

No, I don't think B is laspag, although his history used to bug me and I had to deal with it for some time. How I take it is when your boyfriend/girlfriend standards are someone who's single since birth and never been kissed, you most likely get the opposite. But when you meet that person and fall in love, isn't the promise of a fresh start good enough?

The topic piqued my interest because it's the very reason B and I are getting married this soon. My parents wanted us to break up after being together more than a year unless we get married, because they were afraid for me. They were afraid people would gossip, they were afraid I'd get dumped, and then nobody would want me after having been involved for so long with a guy. I would so love to prove them wrong; I'd even bet all my money that it would be the other way around. But there's no need for that anymore.

Can someone tell me...

if all married couples have to take a shower before going to bed?

Because I never do, unless I came from the gym, or a wet market all day, or feel like putting on lotion. I can do it though... I can be one of those women on TV with the silk night gown to change into and everything. But that'll probably last a week.

Just a question as I let my hair dry before saying goodnight .

Goodnight!

Aaaack!!!!

It's 2011!!!!!!! 28 days to go... *PANIC ATTACK*

So I snooped around the net to see what awaits me in 2011. I know it's stupid to believe in fortune telling, so let's just say it's for entertainment.

Here's something from Yahoo's Shine:

2011 is all about showing Virgo the money. Being the bona fide workaholic of the zodiac, you have certainly earned your right to demand the six figures through long hours and heaps of your own blood, sweat and tears over the past several years. And you've certainly suffered enough losses and endured enough tests of faith in the financial department to prove your substance. As much as you get off on the occasional masochistic work jag, you can't help but wonder when things are going to get easier. Well hang tight Virgin, because the bonus you so desperately need and deserve should arrive between March and June of 2011. A major conglomeration of fiery planets activates your sector of other people's money, including the luckiest planet of them all -- Jupiter. If that doesn't bring some kind of windfall, loan or access to a serious line of credit you're going about your business all kinds of wrong.

You're also getting ready to shed some serious skin starting this March. With Uranus, the change god joining forces with Jupiter in your sector of psychological change: you're preparing to face some serious skeletons in your psychic closet. Rather than applying your brilliant yet critical mind in assessing other people's shortcomings, you're ready to confront your own strengths and weaknesses on a new level. This year favors the clean slate approach to all matters of self-help, renewal and transformation of your personality. You're leaving many aspects of your old self behind in order to become a better and more authentic version of who you really are.