Packing

This past few days have been all about deciding what to take with me as I become a wife, and what to leave behind. Generally, what gets left behind is the old, the worn, the unwanted.

Last night I started to pack my suitcase. As I watched the empty hangers dangling on the closet rod, and the contents getting thinner by the minute, my shoulders started to sag. Years worth of clothing, and every one of them with a memory attached to it... What's going to happen to them now? I thought about how each one is defined by what they wear, like costumes that identify cartoon characters. Every item of clothing that my parents own is as familiar to me as their voice, their facial expressions. I'm sure they feel the same way about my belongings... It's weird... the t-shirts they usually see me in will be here, but I won't. It's like leaving my skin.

When I become this new person in a new house with a new role, who will I become with my new clothes? I realize that it's a chance to reinvent myself... maybe I'll start wearing pink and capri pants. It took 24 years to build my old wardrobe to who I am today. What will it look like five years from now?

I know it's too early to pack but it'll just be harder the closer we get to the wedding day. I want to ask my parents so many questions, like how they are feeling: do they feel sad? Are they going to miss me? What's their favorite memory of this house? What do they want to do before I leave?

I have so many regrets. I wish I had known exactly how much time we had; I wish I didn't hurry to grow up. And now time wouldn't slow down no matter what we did. I ended the night by putting back the childhood pictures B and I selected for one the wedding program AVPs. I didn't expect to get caught it in it, but I did. I ended up poring over all the albums, going over birthdays, family trips, pictures at home, school events... I don't know why I didn't see it before, but there were some really happy pictures of my mom and dad. With a pang, I realized I haven't seen them that happy in the last 6 months.

All I wanted my whole life is to make them happy. Turns out all I had to do was stop growing.

My room has become a storage for Chinese pre-wedding stuff-- symbolic items that will precede my coming to the groom's house, to be brought there this Wednesday. My mom and I are busy completing the requirements and it's been a great way to bond. What I'm worried about now though, is how empty my room would feel when all the clutter's gone. Without the ribbons, the mirror, the suitcases, tea sets, porcelains, bedspreads, etc., it will be more conducive to thinking. With the last pre-wedding Chinese custom is out of the way, we'd be less busy. Will I get to ask my questions by then?