I'm not as panicky as before, and all the sentimental feelings about leaving home, etc., are gone.
All I can think of now is let it be over...
I wish weddings weren't such a big deal. I wish they were intimate occasions that happen to every family, like baptism or Christmas dinners. I wish there needn't be too much fuss or expense over it. I mean if you're planning to get in touch four times a week over the phone and thrice a month by visiting, it shouldn't be a big deal for the families right?
Now I'm just concentrating on looking ok on the big day. Like getting sleep (shoot! It's 11:30pm), drinking water (well juice counts right?) and exercising (as much as my current health condition allows me; just my luck I caught the flu and still am not completely well).
It's so weird that I'm getting married NEXT WEEK. What's even harder to fathom is that week after next week all this will be done and the stress and anxiety will only be memories!!!
Last twelve days of being single... of owning myself... of being a Miss.
I heard an interesting topic on the Boys' Night Out radio show on the way home tonight (disclaimer: I don't habitually listen to them). They were talking about the "quantity" that makes girl or a guy laspag (well-worn in English). Is it the number of people s/he's been around with? Slept with? Callers answered 2-3 for girls, some as high as 5, for guys some said 15, others infinity. Some said it's not how many, it boils down to a name-- as in who were the past girls or guys? They may turn out to be your friends, or someone you know that know them.
The common answer however, is that the quantity doesn't really matter as much as the physical maintenance. You could have had a thousand partners but look fresh if you take good care of yourself.
If you were to ask me, my limit is at 5 girlfriends, 1 five year long relationship and 15 unique shags. Five girlfriends is a lot of memories to compete with, and a five year long relationship that didn't go anywhere means a lot of exhausted feelings that might have resulted in secret jadedness. He might look and feel "fresh", but what about where freshness really matters... in the heart? As for the 15 unique shags, well as long as he wasn't in a relationship with all of the women, I'm quite liberal in that department. Maybe he's lonely, maybe he didn't know what he was looking for. All of it was a process that lead him to you.
I don't know if I should share this, but I suppose listening to that show made me thankful of how I took care of myself as I was growing up. I wouldn't go into the details anymore but if my fiance really knew me, despite how stupid he thinks I am, he would realize that my past could only give him gratification.
Turning the tables around, B's past is blurry to me. He doesn't share much no matter how I prod, and when he does, a part of me refuses to understand completely, so I only absorb patches of information. I do know that he's gotten around enough. As for being in love... I prefer putting it as really liking someone, in which case I'm sure there had been a couple of women. Sometimes I get annoying and pry for information about those girls, just so I could secretly self-compare. But then I'd realize that he was different then, and they must be different now.
No, I don't think B is laspag, although his history used to bug me and I had to deal with it for some time. How I take it is when your boyfriend/girlfriend standards are someone who's single since birth and never been kissed, you most likely get the opposite. But when you meet that person and fall in love, isn't the promise of a fresh start good enough?
The topic piqued my interest because it's the very reason B and I are getting married this soon. My parents wanted us to break up after being together more than a year unless we get married, because they were afraid for me. They were afraid people would gossip, they were afraid I'd get dumped, and then nobody would want me after having been involved for so long with a guy. I would so love to prove them wrong; I'd even bet all my money that it would be the other way around. But there's no need for that anymore.
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