Ecstasy, the opposite of

This is a particularly bleak time for me right now. First, I am back to being single, which some people tell me is a good thing, but they’re not the ones being haunted by the ghost of dates past, are they? It’s physically demanding to get out of bed and throw myself into the shower. Lately, it’s getting easier, especially when I think about the children waiting for me at the art school. There’s nothing like nine screeching kids calling for your attention to take your mind off personal troubles.

Experts agree that being heartbroken is more manageable when busy. I don’t even have that going for me. I am jobless. I am not undermining the teaching profession I have now under my belt-- far from it. Without this part time duty, I will have zilch coming in my bank account this month, not to mention a lot more time to be depressed. The thing is, I don’t see this teaching stint as real work. I don’t even feel like working when I’m with my students. Being a teacher is like suddenly belonging to a huge family, where I get ten siblings and twenty nieces and nephews.

I’ve been job hunting lately. I realized that looking for a job is like cleaning the toilet. You know you have to do it one of these days, and before you can complain about it, you’re squatted in front of the toilet bowl scrubbing away. In the case of job hunting, you’re in the middle of the business district under the noonday sun, in your best career woman outfit, looking for a building or in the waiting room of an obscure company.

I don’t know about other people but I don’t like discussing my job interviews. It’s like a jinx; if I tell someone the name of the company, I will get rejected, which will be forever remembered by the people who knew about my application. Job hunting is traumatic, humiliating and exhausting. It makes me doubt myself. It makes my phone an enemy. Sometimes I leave it for long periods of time and come back to check if I’ve got new messages or missed calls. So far, nada. Aside from my first interview, none of the companies I’ve applied to have gotten back to me. I look at my resume now and put myself in the shoes those companies’ HR people. How do I come across? Lost, that’s how. Like I don’t know where I’m going or what I really want to do. Well, I want to be an artist now. That’s specialization. That’s the kind of focus I didn’t have as a fresh graduate, which was how I ended up in my first company.

What if I really fail at getting a respectable, full time job in the field and even industry I aspire to belong? It’s torture enough when friends ask me what I am doing now and I can only say, “I’m teaching art.” Granted, they seem impressed by that, until I say it’s only part time. They’ll want to know what I’m doing full time. I’m being a failure full time, that’s what I’m doing.

Maybe I’ll go study again if nobody hires me. I’ll tell my parents that I need further training and my knowledge is lacking. People always mistake me for a high school student anyway. By the time I graduate from another four-year course, who’s gonna be able to tell I’m 27?

Boy that thought was depressing. But I seriously don’t understand it. Am I missing something here, did I do something in between the age 22 and 23 that fucked up my chances of landing my dream job forever?

Ecclesiastes is convinced that "the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to the men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all. Man's fate does not depend on righteous or wicked conduct but is an inscrutable mystery that remains hidden in God."

Huh. That explains why CSB graduates who barely worked their asses off during college are CEOs of their family business and party animals at their leisure time, while I with my educational background am without a job as well as social life. If that is the case, I am desperately hoping that rigorous and intense prayer helps my case with God.

Panulat

Minsan, malungkot lang. Ganun pala pag bigla kang mag-isa. Masyadong tahimik. Ngayon ko lang naaalala ang mga panahon noon na naghahanap ako ng kausap, pero wala naman akong masabi, kaya hanggang dampot lang ako ng cellphone pero walang matype na mensahe.

Ano kaya ang mga iniisip ko noon habang mag-isa ako? Paano ko napuno ang mga oras ng katahimikan?

Magagawa ko rin iyon ngayon. Matututunan ko ulit masanay na walang sinasandalan para sa mumunting kaligayahan.

Pero minsan, malungkot lang.

Matagal na panahon nang hindi ako nagsusulat ng tula. Ngunit nitong mga nakaraang araw, naiisip ko ang isang tulang kinatha ko matagal na panahon nang nakararaan. Taong 2004 pa iyon, at sa pagkakatanda ko wala naman akong kinapupusuan noong ako'y nasa ikalawang taon ng kolehiyo. Hindi ko sasabihing magaling akong makata, pero nakapagtataka lang na nahuli ng batang imahinasyon ko ang totoong pakiramdam ng isang nangungulila... ako, ngayon, anim na taon pagkalipas...

I Shall Write

How very long til I see you
How very long I'll have to wait
Among the purple skies I shall seek
A star on a cloudless night...
For a wish.
How very often I'll have to walk
Along the shore to watch the waves--
Chasing each other--
Knowing you are on the other side,
Somewhere.
I'll have to practice
Laughing naturally again
And crinkling my eyes
For I seem to have forgotten how.
I'll have to learn to like
Mornings again as they come
Despite knowing it's another day
Without you by my side.
Every breath takes much effort
That sometimes it feels like a chore.
You're the only reason I keep it going, I suppose.
Your name is at the tip of my tongue
That I keep rolling around.
It sounds decibels louder when I whisper it to the air
And I think everybody hears, and I'm afraid.
Each day is like an enemy
I have to battle to get closer to the time
When I'll see you again.
To the time when I won't have to wake up
And find one side of the bed still made
Because I only slept on the other side.
To the time when everyday is not a dream
But a reality filled with wild, vivid colors
Ended with a goodnight kiss.
How very long til that comes to be
And until then I shall write
Until all the words are drained out of me.

Oo, emo. Pero hindi ba lahat ng naisulat, isinusulat at isusulat pa lamang na tula at kabaduyan sa greeting cards, naranasan, nararanasan at mararanasan ng puso habang binabaybay ng tao ang karagatan ng buhay?

Nagpapasalamat ako sa 17 taong gulang na bersyon ng aking sarili sa pagkatha ng tulang nabanggit na. Kung hindi, kailangan ko pang pigain ang puso ko ngayong sugat-sugat na. At kapag likha na ang obra maestra kong sa wakas ay hinugot sa mapait na karanasan, tatawagin itong corny o cliche ng mambabasa.

I never knew

This afternoon, you were in pieces while I managed to be calm and cool. As soon as I got home, I was shattered.

Everything reminds me of you and you remind me of everything.

I've seen people get their hearts broken in movies but I never knew it would be like this.

I didn't know the pain would also be physical, like a fist squeezing my heart in a constant rhythm.

It hurts so much. So much, and the tears won't stop flowing. Now I know why yours won't earlier today.

If it means anything, THIS is for you.

Family day, family time sublime

Somehow, 4 hours into the weekend, I've already upset my mother. And that's even before I came home at 1am this morning (it was for work, mind you).

Apparently, I forgot to logout Facebook before leaving for work yesterday. I used her laptop which gave her a chance to browse my pictures. She said one picture made her very "sad". In my mind I quickly scanned through my Facebook albums in a panic, and it turns out it's this one one:

Taken during a test drive, this photo was supposed to show the fun of Mini Cooper. The only thing I'm upset about it is how huge my arm looks, thanks to the wideshot of Lumix.

My mom said I should practice self-censure. She is embarrassed for me on the notion that my family members on Facebook would have already seen this picture too. God knows what their reactions must have been!

I'm not pissed or anything. I just feel sorry that I always seem to disappoint her. Is it the 20-year age gap or some psychological thing that makes us the opposite of each other? She thinks I'm the family black sheep because I'm liberated and I think she's a social deviant because she is... well, non-sociable.

I thought about how long it has been since we went to church together. I'm sure our prayers must be very entertaining for God to listen to.

By the way, Sunday is supposed to be family day. Most of the people I know spend this day with their families in malls, eating out in restaurants, even going to church. In our family, it's the only day I don't go out because I have no work, but it's the day my parents choose to frolic in the city albeit taking their separate ways (my mom to the mall, my dad to see his friends). And they accuse me of not spending time with them.

Their ideal bonding time is breakfast at 7am, even on weekends. And if I miss it because I got home late the night before, they act like I left the country for twenty years and never called once. I love my family, but when people think I'm brought up spoiled just because I'm an only child, I really want to laugh out loud. Sometimes I think my parents have too much time on their hands and I want to send them off on speed dating for retired people looking for best friends.

Personal research for the elections - Manny Villar

I've put together bits and pieces of information gotten from the Internet from blogs, news and forum statements. I already know who I'm not voting for, I just need evidence to justify why.

First I'm targeting Manny Villar, beginning from the ethical charges against him on graft and corruption, to the fraudulent story about his life. It's shameful the way Villar is dishonoring the effort of his parents to give his family a good life when they were young by telling lies for political advancement. By building his defense on lies upon lies, can you imagine what it will be like when he gets the highest position of power in the Philippines?

How Villar enriched himself with his housing program

From the email of a certain Antonio Hidalgo, Sec. Gen. of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) of former President Ramos from 1995-1998. He says he studied the flaws of the UHLP scheme and after getting Ramos' approval to instructions to proceed in 1996, set up the inter-agency task force to reform the UHLP which was completed in 1997.

Villar built many thousands of low-cost houses from 1986 to 1997 under the Unified Home Lending Scheme (UHLP) of the socialized housing law (E.O. 90) which he and his Chamber of Real Estate and Builder's Association minions got Cory to sign in 1986.

The result of building these houses under the UHLP was that he became a billionaire while the funders (SSS, GSIS, Pag-Ibig) suffered losses in billions with bad home mortgages covering the houses. Eventually, the bad mortgages had to be covered by the national government using tax revenues because the funders were covered by a sovereign guarantee. Beginning 2003-2004, the losses had to be written off by selling them through special purpose asset vehicles (SPAVS) at a fraction of their face value. Meanwhile, half of Metro Manila is still filled with squatters.

The UHLP was designed in such a way that it only benefited the developers. Billions were taken annually from the SSS, GSIS and Pag-Ibig and given to the NHMFC to disburse. The owners of the funds lost control over how they were lent out. Even the NHMFC was not given control, instead it just allocated mortgage quotas to developers from the annual funds of the lenders and automatically released the face amount of mortgages to the lenders upon submission of the mortgage papers.

The developers did not check creditworthiness. They went around malls with blank mortgage papers, waylaid passersby and enticed them to sign the papers and then went to the NHMFC to cash in. This resulted in nearly a financial collapse because of default rates of more than 70% in mortgages.

Why businessmen-turned-politicians shouldn't be trusted

From then congressman Joker Arroyo's privilege speech in 1998 which accused of the following charges in violation several laws (note that at the time, Villar was just Speaker of the House):

1. Violation of Article XI of the Constitution titled “Accountability of Public Officers”
2. Violation of Republic Act No. 6713 known as the “Code of Conduct and Ethical Standards for Public Officials”

Villar is either the President, Chairman or has the biggest controlling interest in the country's biggest low-cost housing developers. Villar should have divested himself of his interest in the said companies since he was a Congressman. The companies should have been forbidden to enter into financial arrangements with government institutions. Until now, he is still connected to these companies and is no hurry to divest himself.

Villar controls the Capitol Bank. Mrs. Villar is the chief executive officer. The Capitol Bank received loans, financial accommodations and guarantees from the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas from 1992 to 1998 while he was a Representative. That is constitutionally forbidden. If a Representative has a controlling interest in a firm or entity, that firm or entity cannot be extended a loan, a guaranty, or a financial accommodation for any business purpose from any government financial institution. If that firm or entity would like to obtain a loan, a guaranty or a financial accommodation from a government financial institution, that firm or entity must first relieve itself of the controlling interest of the Representative.

3. Violation of Republic Act No. 3019 otherwise known as the Anti-Graft and Corrupt Practices Act

Simply put, the law provides that it shall be unlawful for public officers to author any law or resolution that would benefit or favor them. This applies even to that representative who just recommended, not even authored, the enactment of such law that benefited him.

Villar incorporated Republic Act No. 7835 or the recapitalization of the NHMFC and the amendment to the Agri-Aqua Law to include housing investment, which affected companies with a nature precisely like his.

Villar co-authored H.B. No. 11005 which increased the capital of the NHMFC. This became the main source of funding of Villar’s companies. Estrada admitted that the NHMFC was bankrupt. Increasing the capitalization of a bankrupt GFI benefited Villar’s housing companies.

Villar also made Pag-ibig Find contributions compulsory and to increase housing investments with the SSS. Pag-ibig is a main source of funding of Villar’s companies.

In a word, Villar’s legislation from 1992 to 1998 were designed to benefit his business, a violation of the Anti-Graft Law.

4. Violation of Republic Act 6713 Section 3 (j) referring to Divestment (transfer of title or disposal of interest in property by voluntarily)

Manuela Corporation, a housing and realty corporation, owned by the family of the wife of Villar applied for and was granted a loan of P1 billion by the SSS and another P2 billion loan with GSIS. SSS, historically and as a matter of public policy does not extend direct loans to business enterprise. The direct loan to Manuela Corporation is a first in SSS history.

Manuela Corporation owes the Capitol Bank, which also owned by Villar, P150 million. This means the loan was simply an indirect financial accommodation extended by GFIs to relieve Capitol Bank of the P150 million loan.

5. Violation of Article XIII Sections 4,5,6,7 and 8 about the agrarian reform program

The Comprehensive Agrarian Reform Program (CARP) says all lands covered by CARP cannot be used for residential, agricultural, industrial or other uses unless a clearance, conversion, or exemption for a particular property is first issued by DAR.

At the time in 1998, Villar's companies have developed 5,950 hectares or almost 60,000,000 square meters of CARP lands into residential subdivision without the appropriate DAR issuances. 60,000,000 square meters is three times the size of Makati.

And he says "Kung gusto kong magpayaman, babalik nalang ako sa pagiging negosyante."

Why do we need 2 parallel roads: one paid, one free, that are next to each other?

From the blog of Winnie Monsod, an article about the C-5 project

See the interactive map of GMA7 to show the controversy. She's right. The C-5 extension project is not on only costly, it is totally unnecessary. Who would pay for the toll road (the Manila-Expressway Cavite Expressway Toll Project) when a free road is almost right beside it?

Kung mahirap si Villar, hampas lupa tayong lahat (a Facebook fanpage)

From a blog article entitled Unmasking Manny Villar's Fraudulent Life

Manny Villar's lies about his past:

1. Villar's house in Tondo

A document surfaced that Villar’s father, a government bureaucrat, had used to borrow money from GSIS to build a house. Villar admitted they lived on Bernardo St., San Rafael Village in Tondo which, as pointed out by Monsod and Esposo, were upper-middle class neighborhoods of Tondo in the 60s. Even Erap is from Tondo, but he isn't anywhere near poor.

By Villar’s own candid admission, the house was a two-bedroom house, which is the usual size for starter homes. It was a bigger house than his standard housing units in his subdivisions. This is validated by Jun Borres, the fishing magnate from Iloilo who bought the house in 1987. “Villar grew up there, and it was definitely a nice neighborhood back in the 60s,” Borres said. It wasn’t, as Villar contends, a lot submerged under a pool of water.

The grant of the GSIS loan to build a house in 1962 contradicts Villar’s claim about the condition of the property. GSIS would not have approved the loan if it found the property unsuitable for the construction of a house. GSIS loans are categorized as supervised credit, meaning you can’t avail of the money unless the house is actually constructed. It must also be emphasized that the loan was for the construction of a house. This means the elder Villars had saved enough money to buy a 560-sqm. property before 1962! Villar knows that first-time home owners buy smaller lots. For his parents to have bought 560-sqm. in a gated subdivision means they had more than enough money.

The GSIS loan also provides a good clue on how much his father, Manuel Villar Sr. was earning from the government. As any GSIS member knows, the amount of loan is based on the salary level of the applicant-member. Sixteen thousand pesos might seem like small change nowadays, but was already a fortune back in 1962. It wasn’t a level that would be granted to a janitor or a clerk. Manuel Villar Sr. occupied a supervisory position. Not exactly the kind of person who would qualify as poor.

Villar He didn’t detail the period during which they had lived there. His assertion that all nine siblings slept on a single mat is also shattered. He is the second of nine children. If his departed brother is number three or number four, by 1962 the family would already have been living in San Rafael Village. How can all the nine siblings sleep on a single mat when by 1962, not all children have been born? It’s simple logic.

2. Swimming in a sea of garbage

It was also true, he said, that he had swam in a sea of garbage. He didn’t mention that in the 50s, the waters near Tondo were clean, and not used as dumping ground for garbage.

3. The lie about his brother's death

When the disease had reached terminal stage, the family brought Danny to the FEU hospital. Villar tried to cover it with a story and said the only reason his brother was admitted to the FEU Hospital is that his father had a cousin who worked as a nurse there, and facilitated the patient’s confinement in the charity ward.

Villar said his brother was regularly examined by the “family doctor” as there were almost no specialists as we know them today at the time. Poor families then, as it remains to be the case now, had barely enough money to see a doctor. For a family like the Villars to have a “family doctor” shatters the myth about their being poor. It is easy for Villar to claim that his brother died as a charity ward patient, but one thing is clear — his brother didn’t die because his parents had no money to buy his medicines.

It was also shown that Danny was taken to the Funeraria Paz, which was reported to be an upscale mortuary service back then. Villar tries to sidestep the issue by saying, “no, he was just embalmed at Funeraria Paz, but we held the wake at our house because it was too expensive there.” On this, Villar again insults the Filipino intelligence. The practice of holding funeral wakes at funeral parlors is a recent development. In the 60s and 70s, bereaved families did their mourning in their homes.

Reflections

How is it possible to act idiotic and still be forgiven for it?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And yet, I feel more loved than ever.

* * *

Watching When Harry Met Sally on cable. Funny, it was the movie on my mind the whole day yesterday. You know the part where Harry was comforting Sally when she found out Jo is getting married? The guy who's beside you while you look like shit is surely a keeper. What more if he's still there after seeing your head in the toilet bowl vomitting your guts out?

The downside is I can never show my face to his parents again. Stupid? Very. I want to apologize to every single person who was affected that night, including all his friends, his brother, my parents, my grandmother... It was a real mess. The longest 24 hours of my life. And I even spent most of it asleep!

* * *

I found out through Facebook that someone who used to be a co-worker recently had her life turned upside down. Bad breakup, work meltdown, the works. I feel bad being counted as one of people's "Friends" when I don't even know what's happening to them, let alone be there for them. I'm jealous of her ability to open herself up to the entire Facebook community and share what she went through though. It's a display of humility, plus it's a wonderful way to discover how many people actually care. It's not really how many "Friends" you have, it's how many people react to the things you post.

* * *

I haven't been very good this Lenten season. Didn't go to church once. Didn't even pray and reflect. Except yesterday, which was an awakening really. I have a feeling God won't be very nice to me this year.

7-Elections

Why bother to vote when my candidate seems likely to lose anyway? That's what I thought initially. But now I'm determined to exercise my right to vote ESPECIALLY because Villar and Noynoy are ahead in the polls. Somehow, my vote for Gibo Teodoro will negate a vote for any of them. Just look at that Gibo Teodoro cup right there. Wouldn't you say he'd look good on money?!

The "7-Elections" marketing campaign of 7-11 is brilliant. Together with GMA 7 and MBC, these collectible cups with the presidentiables' faces is a way of keeping a pulse on the voting population.

So far, Noynoy Aquino has most cups sold in 7-11 stores nationwide, with Gibo Teodoro not far behind. Erap's Obama-looking cup looks so nice you'll want to buy it even if you're not a supporter, so that's probably why he's third. Let's be honest, his supporters don't seem to be the convenience store types. The rest of the ranking goes Manny Villar for fourth, then Eddie Villanueva and finally Dick Gordon.

The collectible cups are actually for Big Gulp fountain drinks, but after some pleading the store guy allowed us to some Slurpee goodness. Hehe. Now, not only do I have a cool souvenir, I also tasted the new Slurpee flavors, Mountain Dew Blast (in Erap cup) and Fuji Apple (Gibo). I liked the former better because it has some sour taste, whereas the Fuji Apple is all sweetness.