Mom is mad at me. I need to stop going out so much. No, scratch that. I need to stop going out at night.
Sometimes I forget that mothers do what they do because they love us. I forget that the reason she texts me every night if I'm at home already is because she wants to know I'm safe, and not because she just wants to annoy me. And now, she's not mad at me because I made her worried sick last night that she didn't get a wink of sleep, but because I'm not taking care of myself and considering the consequences of my actions.
I wish mothers didn't have to love so hard, so they wouldn't worry so often. My mother misses me when I'm in Manila, but I wish that didn't have to make her sad. I wish she would develop a hobby to take her mind off loving for a minute. And yet, if she didn't love so much, I wouldn't be able to see how inept I am at caring for others by comparison. Maybe I thought her love was enough to cover both of us. Maybe I'm pretending not to see how bratty and ungrateful I've become. In fact, I have a feeling there's a lot of things I'm becoming that I'm refusing to acknowledge, none of which contribute to becoming a likeable human being, not to mention family member.
I'm disappointed with myself, but more importantly, right now I'm feeling sorry for my mom who's stuck with a daughter like me.
all children are selfish bastards. particularly those who grew up in a relatively privileged environment as us. then karma comes to bite us in the butt when we're parents ourselves. don't beat yourself up too much about it. learn. cultivate more patience. etc. etc. ^___^
ReplyDeletethanks. :p it's so unfair noh, this mother daughter relationship. haha. we're ok now :) :)
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