B left for Canada this afternoon. It's funny how you feel sad when you hear the news, say, 4 months early, and then you get used to the idea. In the lull period, the departure becomes this large thing looming ahead that you're not supposed to think about until you're there. Then you grow sick of it looming that you just can't wait to get it over and done with. On the day of the actual separation, you've prepared yourself so well that you think, really, what's two weeks? You're all dandy and your day goes normally. Until you stop moving and thinking. That's when you fall apart. Funny.
Loss
I miss him suddenly and all at once that I feel bad for all those times I provoked him into a fight because of some petty thing. It makes me regret the times I acted bratty or distant just because. I haven't missed him this way before because we'd never been apart enough to hurt. When we fought, he made things alright before we had the chance go for days without speaking. He always reached out to resolve things so that we'd be ok again right away. I'm not saying I always started the fight because I was unreasonable. He's not perfect. I'm just saying if I wasn't unreasonable when I was, we'd have a bunch more ok hours to stave us through long distance episodes like this.
What was I thinking? 14 days is a very long time. It feels like forever since I last heard from him, and his plane hasn't even landed yet. I know we can email and chat over YM, but being limited by time zone is a bitch.
Parting
For months and even on the last day we would see each other, I pictured a dramatic parting scenario: we'd be somewhere private, each would take turns making speeches about how much we'd miss each other, and the whole thing would involve silence, tears, and holding each other for a long time. As it happened, we had to do it in front of my apartment door, so we were at the stairwell being very quiet, whispering our goodbyes in deference to my neighbors. The business of a final embrace was carried out briefly and cautiously in case somebody was watching. Our last hug was tight, and before my feelings could catch up with me, I went inside.
Before I closed the door, the last thing I saw was of him waving and mouthing "Goodnight." I thought it was beautiful.
