Loving, hurting, still loving...

Being man for others, or putting others before you is the core philosophy of my university. Somewhere between graduating and getting work experience, that ideal was lost in me. I always associated it with doing charitable works, but I forgot that "Charity begins at home." One of the things we learn as we grow older is that our actions have consequences. As the years pile on, the consequences become heavier and wider-cast. A sign that you're near maturity is when you begin thinking of others before acting.

I don't want to call it my New Year's Resolution... I know it can't be done overnight. Every year I promise that I'll be a better person, but I still manage to hurt people I love, and worse, people who love me. There are wrongs that can't be forgiven no matter how many buckets of tears we shed. There are mistakes that are irreparable. I often feel that I don't deserve pardon, let alone receive love. I resort to severing ties and walking away, just letting bygones be bygones. But that's exactly what God wants us to realize: we deserve forgiveness no matter what, and when we refuse that idea we also refuse His love. Our real punishment is not losing the love of people, but seeing them continue to love us after our faults. No matter how difficult, our consequence is to accept their love and show greater love in return. As we make more mistakes, we become less and less lovable, thus less human, because we are not capable of loving others.

Today, I felt like the worst person in the world. Yet there's liberation in that. When you see yourself for what you really are in the eyes of someone you've wronged, you realize you just need to come clean and face the consequence, which is having your shit stare you in the face day after day after day.